Sunday, December 21, 2008

The grey space between good and evil

It is 3:30 AM and I am again struck with insomnia. Things worry me, the same things as most times I have insomnia; Money, The dog, and my weight.

As someone who suffers from chronic pain and the natural depression that rides along in its coat tales, this is not a recent occurrence. But these episodes seem to come along more frequently since I have been sick and jobless.

Add in a dog with serious fear aggression and it spells for a recipe chock full of sleepless nights. Many people tell me "Did you think that maybe there is nothing else you can do and its time to put the dog down?"

And in my evil thoughts, I considered it. I thought as scared as this dog is, does it take away from the happiness he has with us? Is this a completely hopeless situation? Trainers tell me no, and so does my gut, but the rational mind is not so easily appeased.

The thing that keeps me working with him is the same thing that keeps me working on me. Its not entirely his fault he is so scared. He was not always that way. He used to LOVE all children, was curious about other people and dogs, and was happy to meet new people. Then on a happy fall walk he was attacked by a pitbull. After that he was never the same.

In some ways I can relate. When Syringomyelia an its host of painful friends decided to change my life drastically I was not expecting it. After months of having to walk with a cane, hundreds of falls on walks home, and days calling in because of chronic pain and fatigue I was feeling pretty beaten and fearful myself.

It cost me my work, my livelihood, and my figure that I had worked so hard to keep in shape.

The last doctors visit I was told my weight and I went out to my car and cried for an hour.

It seemed like the final straw. What more could this disease take from me?

Stubborn by nature I have fought this disease and continue to fight it everyday. But tonight especially I have moments of feeling overwhelmed thinking "What if despite my best efforts I can't win?" Most of all I worry about my family, my friends, and my animals.

So this holiday I felt like I had no right to expect anything from anyone. In fact I entered the holiday hating the season. I hated the music, and the lights, and the constant talk about parties and presents. I wanted to be home, by myself trying to figure a way to be able to give everyone what they wanted while hating having to do so.

I was pretty much in this funk until waiting for a ride from my sister. I had tried to get some lunch and found I didn't have enough in my wallet. Sorely embarressed I went outside to wait in the cold for my ride with tears of shame in my eyes.

Then a person out of the blue came up to me. She had bought me lunch. She said she had seen me on TV with my animal welfare work and just wanted to say "Happy Holidays" I was so humbled by this random act of kindness, I cried again.

It was then that I decided maybe things were going to work out and maybe I had this whole holidays idea mixed up.

I called in a favor from a trainer friend of mine and had Kane evaluated. The trainer thinks that Kane while never being fully non fearful, can be trained to trust us to do his defending for him. Then agreed to work with me for a very low price. I have been working with him everyday, along with Crash my fiance and not only is he improving, but its brought us closer as a family.

I am amazed at how much better he is. We even had guests over and he lay down in his room and stopped barking after a minute. He was still terrified but understood the rules and that we would not let anything bad happen to him.

Today my nephew said while we wrapped presents "I'm glad your happy about presents and parties now!" I'd been with him shopping for presents with money my fiance had lovingly set aside for me to purchase them with. When I protested saying I hadn't earned any money, I had no right to buy presents he'd said "You have covered for me so many times, this is our money and I think we've both earned it."

I still worry about my weight but I am now walking my dog everyday and am still doing my pilates and yoga. I am learning to be happy with what I am capable of, instead of being sullen over my inabilities.

So in the future maybe I will be poorer, maybe Kane won't ever be a perfect dog, maybe I will be heavier, but as long as I am doing more for the good in the world, I will try not to lie awake at night in fear of any evil tripping me up.

My wish for everyone is a holiday full of the spirit of the season, friends, giving, and being thankful for the good in our lives.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Who the hell is Cthulu?

This is only funny because I have ZERO clue as to who Cthulu is, but apparently I am an angry, set things on fire,kind of gal...but I seem so sweet...


Which creature of the night are you?
Your Result: Cthulu Spawn

You are really an alien thing, aren't you? I can't describe you because you are beyond. We say "left field" and you say "Krn Grth Thchrang." You are the wild card of the bunch, the unknown quantity

Which creature of the night are you?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Music Appreciation Thursday-Friday

So here is the Music appreciation tubes for people who say "New music sucks!"

While I can agree with you heartily on some aspects...These young artists (young, my age...well kinda)will have you going out to buy some cd's.

Here is just a taste:

Sufjan Stevens:

The Gossip:

Rilo Kiley/Jenny Lewis:

Enjoy and tell me what you think.


Saturday, December 06, 2008

It still seems strange

I went home for Thanksgiving. I was fortunate to see all but one of my cousins and both my Aunt's and my Uncle.

I stayed with my Nana and mother and was treated to haute cuisine at Forpaughs Restaurant in Minneapolis, MN.

I got to bond with my neices whom I don't see enough, chat knitting and yarn shop with my sister Tia. Talk about Piers Anthony and music with my brother in law Mike.

But it still felt so strange not to see my Uncle Mike. There was no Late night sitting up with my Uncles and I talking about Pilates, or nature, or family.

I was looking through some old articles and saw this: Article

It made me remember how much I hate living in the city with loud neighbors, very few tree's and cars and dirty snow everywhere.

I remember special christmas's where we would travel up to Ely and see Aurora Bourealis, and hear Wolves howling. I remember how bright the stars were and how friendly everyone in town was.

I remember Hiking around Ministry lake and avoiding, along with my cousin Celin, getting our hair pulled out by a protective peregrine falcon.

I remember walking the Bass Lake Trail with my two cousins and running across a section COVERED with fire ants. Then when Mike and Becca were home telling them about it and laughing at my inadequate shoe wear.

I remember falling asleep on the couch with Joe and Matrix and having my Uncle Mike come over and poke us in the stomach when dinner was ready.

It made me belatedly thankful. Not only do I have a better family than most, but I have a brain full of great memories and a drive to protect and experience as much nature as possible.

To those who never got to know our family for all the great things it is, its there loss. We are ambassadors of the family name and personally I think we wear the mantle well.

I'd like to think that my Uncle, where ever he is, is proud too.

Love your family for what is has, not what it lacks. Too soon are people taken away and we realize it was better than we gave it credit for.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Stress and Soccer Moms.

So my day began with not being able to sleep. SO I slept in and forgot "A" was picking up the kitten to get spayed.

I got confused and told Geo she was going to petsmart.

Geo flipped out and yelled at me.

So I called the Coalition leader and asked if the kitten could come back and if she could take another kitten to the petsmart. I got lectured about how this is not technically MY kitten and that she needs to be seen by more potential adopters and how the coalition could take her out of the house and take her to Canada if they felt so inclined, so I had better remember who was boss.


So I went to Wegmans to try to get some groceries. I found a great mug and was pretty happy but leary because everyone was driving like idiots in the parking lot. SO I was slowly pulling out of my parking spot, had stepped on the brake to check the other side of me again when I was ran into by a soccer mom on her cell phone in her minivan.

Literally while I was stopped.

So I made sure she was OK and that her children were ok when I noticed she had been holding her phone when she got out of the car. I refuse to discuss the accident with her and immediately called 911.

Then her husband came out of the store and said "What happened?" And the lady said "That teenage girl ran into us."

This did nothing to calm me.

I didn't say anything,refusing to be goaded, and simply pretended I didn't hear her. Then the guy started stopping pedestrians and saying, "Be careful, yeah we just got backed into, yeah young kid wasn't paying attention!"

So as my rage came bubbling to the surface I began to cry because I couldn't kill anyone or break anything.

It was killing me that I had been at a full stop, putting my car into drive, when this lady whipped around the corner with her cell phone, drove THROUGH a handicap spot (in order to cut the corner) and literally drove into my car because she wasn't quick enough (or watching) that I was already backed up into the road.

The police officer I ended up knowing. He heard what happened and looked at the damage on my car and asked if there had been any witnesses. There had been ONE and they left.

So he reconstructed the scene and said he could see what I was talking about and the lady had said she had been somewhat distracted by her children in the back.

But my insurance company says they are trying to say it is all my fault.

But even looking at her van you can see how she literally smashed into me and dragged her car alongside the corner of my bumper. You could see where she drove into me and kept going, where as I only had ONE point of "impact" because I was stationary.

She knocked out my back up lights and my neck hurts a little but I am OK.

SO then I arrived home after making a run to the bookstore to try to calm me down (I was and am still shaken) and came home only to find out our furnace is on the fritz.

I have been down there 13 plus times trying to fix it, I think I may have finally fixed it but honestly I am not sure. We are going to need to call a repair man.

And now, as I suspected, I am nauseous, sleepless, and sore.

So that's three bad things in one day. GREAT day huh!?


Friday, November 21, 2008

What heals you?

For me, chronic pain is an unfortunate part of my life. It affects everything. There are ways to manage it: drugs, heat, ice packs, sea salt soaks, massage, sleep, and my favorite, a swift kick to the head.

OK, so I only tried the last one once.

Recently I have found myself online a lot talking to other sufferers of Syringomyelia and Chiari Malformation and its good time friends chronic fatigue and disc degeneration.

One thing we all have in common is that we have one thing that no matter how much pain we are in we do this one thing and it takes our mind off the pain.

Usually long enough for narcotics to kick in Ba-ZING!

So lately I have been really into making mixed cd's for my friends and family. As Crash and I are HUGE (i mean over 5,000 cd's and 200 vinyl records, I am not going to mention cassette tapes because I will be embarrassed... huge) music dorks.

So since i have to travel and wanted a theme track for going to my put the fun in dysfunctional parents house (ok its just the mom and I who tussle...) I thought I would share some of my favorite songs with you.

So without further ado: Happy Thanksgiving, a musical tribute:

Kingdom in the Sky- Davinci's notebook
Smile- Lily Allen
One angry dwarf- Ben Folds
Mental Breakdown-Ember Swift
Song for the dumped-Ben Folds
Superman-The Blanks
Shameless- Ani DiFranco
Charles in Charge- The Blanks
Hallelujah- Rufus Wainright
Secret Asian Man- DaVinci's Notebook
Facts of Life- The Blanks
Barefoot- KD Lang
Jump in the line- DaVinci's notebook
Underdog-The Blanks
Superstition-Stevie Wonder
Valerie- Amy Winehouse
Allie McBeal-Davinci's Notebook
Never miss the water-Chaka Khan
Jockey full of Bourbon- Full Frontal Folk
Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz
Casmir Pulaski Day- Sufjan Stevens

CD is available upon request.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may your afterlife be blessed just american express it. (Davinci's Notebook)


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Mind bending dissobedience

My nephews are driving me up a wall.

First of all they WILL NOT FOLLOW RULES. Every rule they know, rules that are everyday, they disobey and then say "I forgot!"

Its the escuse for everything. Rules are written down both up and downstairs and they just DO NOT follow them. We are talking safety rules!

Rules like:

Don't punch your brother

Don't hurt the cats

Don't leave the apartment without asking

Don't go into the street

They just do whatever they want and say "Huh what? oh I forgot"

It drives me insane because I have to be on top of them to get them to do anything I practically have to put my hand over their hands and do it for them.

How old do you have to be to actually follow directions and rules? not stupid rules, basic rules.

I want o beat my own head in.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Prop 8

As a kid who has biracial parents, and several LGBT friends and family this struck a chord with me. The thought that even in 1967 MY fiance and I couldn't have gotten married. Where is this separation between Church and state? How are ones religious beliefs allowed to impact a decision that has nothing to do with morality and is all about what is fair.

Marriage isn't about having kids because if it were Crash and I wouldn't be allowed to be married because I can't have children.

Marriage isn't about religion because if it were Crash and I wouldn't be allowed to marry because I am Buddhist and he is Christian.

Marriage isn't about race because if it were Crash and I would not be able to be married because he is Irish and French and I am Black and Native American.

Marriage is about Love, so why is marriage between two non related persons illegal still?

If Crashes Father can't marry his boyfriend of 15 years, then Crash and I are not going to get married either. We have discussed it and the fact is it is just not fair.

Why? It's not because we don't want to, and its not because we are afraid of divorce, it is because we are angry that our friends whose love is just as real and just as deep and committed as ours can't do the same.

Everyday we learn new things about our fellow man, and everyday horrible things are put up to divide us, are we growing less intelligent and compassionate with each new thing we learn? Each barrier we knock down?

Plant a seed of compassion it doesn't matter if you understand or not. Marriage between people who are willing to love, honor and cherish each other is not your right to ban because it makes you uncomfortable, your personal beliefs should have no bearing on what is right and what is wrong.

The fact is with age comes wisdom and it doesn't take much intelligence to realize marriage between souls who come together with love in their hearts should be as legal as any other marriage.

KJ and Crash


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Its 2:00AM where are YOUR kids?

Well, my mother's kids are clutching their abdomens, sucking down anti-nausea medication, and sipping hot beverages while trying to get a fever down.


Where the hell did I get a rogue fever? I haven't had one of these in months and I have been good about staying warm, washing hands, taking vitamins and staying away from other people's broods of sick kids.

But somehow I end up with toilet hugging (while I am not seated that is) fun.

Crash and I cleaned the entire apartment today and the nephewmonsters helped! They had a dust war to see who could get more check dusting with the swiffer, then they had a garbage war where they tried to fill more bags full of garbage. We have 5 trash bags full of dirt, poo, dust, old food (from pantry and fridge) broken toys, random hair and fur balls, Our house is so clean I would actually have people over!

Crash even said "Honey I understand because of you being sick that just because you stay home all day doesn't mean on top of cleaning cat boxes, putting away clean laundry, cleaning the shower, walking the dog, and cooking all my meals and everyone else in the house, that you couldn't possibly clean it too, and I should help on my days off.

*Thud* me hit floor.

Everything I had asked him to help me with from flipping the dogs linens, lining the futon with our new liner that I made, vacuuming, taking out trash, and organizing and setting up the bedroom with a play station, TV, and VCR (for when I am forced to stay in bed because of being sick)we even got a front window winterproofed and cleaned out our corner of the basement for my scooter, the lawn mower, our grill and Geo's menagerie of camping equipment.

Now I am hit with the sickness, which I am totally not down with I might add.

I have a few more windows to winter proof and want to super winter proof the bedroom.because before it was one of the coldest rooms in the house. I am going to buy quilt batting and put it on cardboard and put it in the windows, then I am going to shrink wrap outside that and then put up heavier curtains.

I was so cold in the bedroom just now I had to get up, have some warm tea and sit in front of a space heater.

That is Frog Crap!

So in 10 days I am going to minnesota to have thanksgiving with my family. My nana already says "Oh good that means you can cook it!"

See, being the chef/cook in the family is hell especially because I am vegan.

So now I am looking up recipes online for Turkey and also researching how to get one already cooked.

I have to feed a family of 10 and they think its going to be from scratch after I scrape myself off a plane, they are on drugs!

I am thinking, Frozen potatoes that I just have to mash, precooked frozen yams, premade pecan and pumpkin pie, grands biscuits (hello an exploding container, its a win win!),and salad mix,Frozen corn,cranberry sauce from a can and then I just have to worry about the turkey and that's what my MP3 player is for. Oh and the piece de resistance: Store bought stuffing not in a turkeys behind.

For me? tofurkey premade turkey slices in "oven roasted" and all the sides.

I actually saw a great recipe for a turkey you rub with butter and maple syrup then stuff with oranges that you pierced with a fork, then just throw it in an oven bag and it self marinates!

Hey, you cook for 10 people and tell me to make everything from scratch!


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Fuze, Muse, Nausea and Vomiting

Plus side: I finished my very firs Cabled beanie or Crash! He likes it a lot and now that I know how to make Cables I am going to try to do it more often.

The next thing I work on will be my sisters cowl.

Its mindless knitting perfect for a plane trip. Which I am going on NOvember 24th to Dec 3. Must remember to pack knitting needles.

My new Sansa Fuze MP3 player replacement finally got here! I am now loaded up with music and learning how to put videos on it. Soon I will be able to have audiobooks on it to listen to when I am on the airplane knitting! What WILL I listen to first!?

It could not have come at a better time as I have had to go to the hospital on more than one occasion recently and having an MP3 player took my mind off how much pain I was in and the FIVE HOUR wait.

I was in the hospital for uncontrolled vomiting and headpain again. Which I am experiencing on a lower lever tonight but I have home drugs that I have been forcing and drinking Smart Water like a fish.

Weird symptom, my upper thighs and hips have been extremely painful and burning it feels like it radiates down from my back. I actually fell to my knees getting up this morning because it hurt so bad.

I think soon I will have to go lie down. Maybe I did too much yesterday?

Crash is feeling really stressed because I keep getting sicker. I feel stressed because whenever I start feeling better and think "Now I will get a job!" something else comes up and I can't even find the energy to apply online.

Today I applied for three jobs, now I am absolutely barely able to keep from hucking up tater tots.

OK. Enough computer. I need to lie down. THe bed calls,


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Seriously, you a-holes better have voted

I am so sick of people complaining about having no control over the government and then when I say "Did you vote?" they say "No it didn't matter"

Hell yes it matters! Even in principle if we are all voting for the same guy and we all talk to each other and everyone says "Hey I voted for him too" but he doesn't win we know that there is a wolf in the hen house and can raise flags.

Apathy is no excuse for not exercising a right that many people fought for us to be able to exercise.

Besides, apparently you can get 20% off your favorite naughty toy at babeland if you were good and voted!

Sex toys for your vote. God Bless America.

Or Coffee at Starbucks, or a doughnut at Krispy Kreme. But I personally love the idea of a free naughty for voting.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

Voluntary Amputation...Cringeworthy reading

So I was reading an article for a friend of mine on Dermal Anchors. I suddenly got a link at the bottom discussing "Voluntary Amputations"

I read through most of the story of a man and woman lopping off the tips of their fingers with distracted interest. As someone with a spinal cord disease that causes chronic pain and weakness and someone who heals pretty well I could maybe understand being fascinated with pain and stubiness.

I thought "Good for them for being able to commit and I wish they could have just gotten it done professionally"

Then the involuntary disabled part of me rallied. I have a disability and physical impairment that I would never wish on anyone. I am fighting tooth and nail to get help with bills and living in a freezing apartment because I can't hold down a job and people are purposefully and gleefully lopping off appendages and rendering themselves "amuptees" and getting amputee benefits ON PURPOSE.

I gotta say when I thought transversly on this subject of large scale amputation and the risks of infection, death, lengthy hospital stays all covered by disability and or public welfare because they were deemed an "Accident" Meanwhile I go into the hospital for projectile vomiting and I get nurses telling me if I just toughened up and got a job, while fawning over the idiot next door who cut his foot off trying to de-bone a deer.

Gotta say, I am glad your not dead and you got health care, granted I saw an article about a couple biting off each other ring fingers and almost hurled. That is devotion or crazy.

But while people like me with tattoos and stretched ear lobes are being told we are lazy for a disability that is completely inflicted and merciless...while people dote on the voluntary or semi-voluntary has to look at the situation and think. Is this fair?

personally, I love my fingers where they are and I don't ever plan on lopping off appendages of putting my body in danger of being purposefully mutilated beyond recognition, but if thats what gets yo off, have some responsibility and save up your pennies if you plan to do things in which you may maul yourself.

Even if the nurses are a lot nicer to the bleeding idiot than the permanently disabled girl next door.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

not such an a-hole

My sister's ex husband bought me a tattoo.

To go on my botanical sleeves in progress.

Here is my pretty:

shiny and sore

and another

my new Pretty

Its shiny and sore.

Next lilac, primrose, marigold!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

its 3:00AM and I am AWAKE.


Ever since going off topamax and cymbalta everyday is a migraine, and back and hand and feet and joint pain.

Or sometimes I am lucky and its just everything but the migraine.

I went to the clinic because I thought I had food poisoning...turns out I have a duodenal ulcer. I couldn't even tell you what or where my duodenum is.

But apparently no medications makes KJ's body start eating itself.

Not having a job helps. If I was on medication I could at least start classes. Get my pre-requisites for my masters done while I am gainfully unemployed.

On a completely awesome and different note Darius and Sean's StepMonster KC bought me a tattoo at Rising Phoenix on Tuesday!

I am getting a geranium. For my nana (again) and also to work with my botanical sleeves.

Next up Left arm: Marigolds Under the geranium and Right arm: Violets under the peony (already there).

My tattoo artist has been giving me SUPER discounts because I am so still and make him laugh. Plus I draw my own work and he really thinks that is awesome because I am not an artist and I save him time.

I also give Kevin total artistic license because I KNOW he will not give me a shoddy tat. His place is brand new, super clean, friendly, and has won so many awards nationally and regionally they can't even place them all on one wall.

Word to the wise, never EVER skimp on ink, go big or don't get a tattoo.

I walked in today to see how Kevin was doing and talked to him for a while and saw his new baby who is named Darius after my nephew! His middle name is Daniel because Darius put Daniel in the lions den, We love irony. My nephews' middle name is Alexander because King Darius and Alexander the Great were at war.

Bibliodork anyone?

I am going to try to take a benadryll in hopes it will make me sleepy.

Stupid body, won't let me sleep, thinks its so tough...BOSSY.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Back from the dead

Hey, sorry guys. Lets see. Music...

How about classics that no one listens to enough?

Chaka Khan's "Epiphany"

Never miss the water, Everywhere, and Ain't Nobody?

Classics from the city boogie of yester year

Or my new gem "Breakin' Electric Bugaloo"

Classic inner city techno/rap that reminds us of being 10 years old and worshipping at the altar of techno-tronic.

Truly if you have never heard either, plug in and become classified as "broad"

Lets see. On the other end of the spectrum?

O Brother Where Art Thou- Movie Soundtrack

reminds me of sitting with my family with guitars and hand claps and breaking out the Appalachian bible hymns. You can take the girl out of the woods...

Sad note: I know ALL the harmonies to these songs. And can play them on piano and guitar and *gulp* ukulele.

Indeed, I even was burningly jealous of a friend who got to go to Dollywood without me.

Go out and get copies, expand your horizons!

Next week?

Micheal Jackson's History and other pop star classics before he was white.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Clean sweep.

I feel pretty good today! I am not as nausous, my head doesn't hurt as much as it has, and I managed to get over my severe leg pain by taking a supremely hot bath with "Instant Ocean" poured in.

I scented the water with my Patchouli geranium blend or "Hippy oil" as Crash calls it so my skin is lightly scented.

I managed to clean the house yesterday (which is why I am so tired!) and so today we have an elderly couple coming to see the kittens and hopefully adopt two of them.

Then as soon as they are fixed we will get them to their new home.

I have to go lock Kane up, he is not good around strangers.

I was thinking how nice it would be to get to Ely this month as I have so much time off being unemployed.

OK. kittens are destroying their clean cage... time to separate the mad wee ones.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Song for the day

This is still one of my favorite songs. Rufus Wainright and Jason Wade (of Lifehouse) are two artists worth checking out.

This song reminds me of my Christianity class in college. I had a professor Named Father Cotter. He was one of the nicest and most educated and intelligent teachers I had in College.

I recently was fortunate enough to correspond with him via e-mail and he gave me some writing ideas to pitch to WRVO (National Public Radio)

He and I have a fellow love of humorist David Sedaris and the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

He actually told me he missed my records that I used to mail him and mixed cd's.

I informed him it is terribly difficult to make cd's for a man of the clothe. It is a heart wrenching process because I am so afraid I will offend him.

He then informed me that he was really into old Stone Temple Pilots and Beatles "Rubber Soul" during his sabbatical in Italy (where no doubt he was honing yet ANOTHER language or talent, the man is fluent in 14 languages)

Needless to say after this information I was less hesitant to send him some of my favorite bands.

So without further ado: My Father Cotter CD list

Beside the black water- Modest Mouse
When you gonna learn- Jamiraqui
Useless Beauty- David Bowie
Shameless- Ani DiFranco
Rubber Soul- entire cd BEATLES
Bill Bailey-Aretha Franklin
Solidify- Sheryl Crow
There goes the neighborhood-Sheryl Crow
Hyperspace- Nada Surf
Fruit FLies- Nada Surf
They make beer commercials like this- entire cd- Minus the bear (menos el mato)
Grey GHost- Mike DOughty
Tremendous Brunettes- Mike DOughty/Dave Matthews
You and me- Lifehouse
Love of a child-Jason Mraz
Song for the Dumped- Ben Folds
Brick-Ben Folds Five
Jockey full of bourbon-Full Frontal Folk
Down and out- unplugged-Eric Clapton
Cream- Prince
Musicology- Prince
Ambulence LTD- self titled Entire CD
Bittersweet- Big Head Todd
Casimir Pulaski- Sufjan Stevens
The Black Light-Calexico
Back to black- Amy WInehouse
LDN- Lily Allen
Cochise- Audio Slave
Einstein on the Beach-Counting Crows
All my life-Foo Fighters
The Gambler-Kenny Rogers
September- Earth Wind and Fire
Frequency-Dead Prez

That is just the first installation. Crash and I discovered we have over 5,000 cd's and 200 plus vinyl records including Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash

We want to get them burned to our computers and discs so we can enjoy them in the car.

I recommend that if you have not heard of the songs or artists above to check them out. Pirate bay dot org is a free music sharing service and I highly recommend them to upload and download songs.

And if you really love an artist travel to see them live. I will never forget "Big Head Todd" or "Ani DiFranco" or "Nada Surf" live in concert. Writing music reviews for a small city rag for a friend who is too busy to cover all the concerts has perks!

So if there is one way to relax, unwind and learn about your fellow man it is through music exploration.

Keep the cd's and requests for reviews coming.


Friday, October 10, 2008

The life and times of Mike Doughty

I have followed him and now gotten more in to him because of a friend of mine sending me some new music.

He has gone from THIS

To this:

See how life and knowledge simplifies and calms us?

I think his music is more depth and interesting than when he was a Soul Coughing Front man.

My fiance and I decided "The Only Answer" had to play at our wedding because it felt so right (with our zombie topped vegan wedding cake!)

So I felt the need to once again profess my deep love for his musical growth and the profound effect it has helped my mood during bad times.

Super Bon Bon and all.


Monday, October 06, 2008

Fear and loathing

So its 6AM and I am so nausous and sore I can't sleep.

So I was watching TV on my computer and cleaning and found this:

Jeci and I were actually scared by this because we have both been anorexic at times.

I was scared this week because the nausea and pain has become so bad I found myself eating less than 900 calories a day. Not because I am not hungry I love me some food!

But because the nausea and stomach pain when I eat is terrible.

I hate it because I can't walk my doggie, I can't clean my house, and I can't work!

I don't want to lose a lot of weight. In fact, I don't think I need to lose ANY weight...maybe 15 pounds. But in the last week I dropped 8 in 4 days.

Jeci forced a scale into the house and we are both scared to have it here having both had food issues and been anorexic together.

But the doctor said he needed to know how much weight I was losing. Tomorrow (today) I have a complete blood panel scheduled and stool sample (done!) and urinalysis to make sure my body is digesting food right.

My doc thinks I may have ulcers. I would welcome something that innocuous because it would be easy to treat, one nexium once a day right?

I miss being there for my family, I am not accustomed to being a "stay in bed Auntie and doggie mama"

I hope they figure out what is going on so I can enjoy some coconut noodles and Jamaican food at the festival next weekend!!!

I've even started letting myself have cheese and some fish. But it isn't helping and I can't stomach pasta.

This stupid illness is really pissing me off.

I am going to go let my doggie out and try to go for a walk so I don't wake Crash up. We can go get bagels and bring them home for daddy.

THe one great thing about Kane is that he is SO GOOD for me. He knows I am not as fast as Daddy. He never pulls he helps me up if I trip and fall and walks slow enough for me to keep up.

Daddy Crash and I even taught him how to open the door and get Jeci if I don't respond to him. He is SO SMART I am so lucky to have had someone drop him in our yard. He's my therapy mammal.

Speaking of which off to get bagels and go poops and peeps.


Sunday, October 05, 2008


OK... Lady says that Death, Divorce, and sex made her addicted to Heroin, alchohol, and a prostitute.

In that logic I should be a Grand Dame of a bath house, crippled with vices, and the biggest whore in the eastern hemisphere.

YET. I am a college educated,yes disabled (not by my bad choices, because fate is an evil biotch)getting married, and not an alcoholic or a drug user (despite having an alcoholic, now sober, as a mother).

Hrm....Kristen, I think thou doth protest too much, get your whining azz to rehab.

ESPECIALLY because you have a kid?!

I would be a terrible drug counselor. I see it now "Quit making excuses and get your ass to rehab!"

I hate people.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

where my critters at?

Roll Call!






and of course:


Sammy was asked to pose for a picture but attempted to take my face off.

One of the messiest and unusual of our critters:


Yeah he is the dogs play thing, while I am Alpha Mom.

Guess who he loves the most but who is the meanest?

You guessed it. Crash. But I still get the most lovin'


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I wonder if this works?

I am curious to try this. As a African and American Indian Woman...
NOthing works on my hair.

Your CURLY HAIR can be FRIZZ FREE.check out

Saturday, September 06, 2008

It's fitting that its rainng

Because that makes the fact that our car is currently being towed to Cerio's Auto even more appropriate.

This morning I went to drive Crash to wok and suddenly I heard a "PFFT!" when I went to use the brakes. I almost drove into the house. Apparently our brakes rusted or, have a leak in the line or something.

Thank goodness I had the forsight to include towing in my Geico package and get the emergency roadside assistance and renal coverage.

Now if we need a car we can re on for 5 dollars a day.

I wish the repair costs for fixing the brakes was included!

We had money for rent, and I finally got a job and suddenly this happens before my first payheck!

Seriously, life could suck more, I could not be starting work on Monday.

If I could just win 5,000 I would feel so much more on top of things. It seems like as my health has been getting worse, my employabiity and money hits the crapper too.

Seriously, when it comes t cap in my life, the fan is never off.


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Its almost that time...

Where my knitting stash calls to me.

When the weather starts getting cooler, my UFO's start beckoning me and people start to need hats for baby heads.

I am about 1/4 of the way done with my clapotis and I keep feeling like I really want to pick it up again.

I might take it out and try to work on a row a night. Maybe I will have it done by Leaf changing time!

It would look HAUTE with my black jean jacket.



Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My little boy was attacked today...

Despite another sleepless night I started out so productive and upbeat, I thought "Hey! Things are looking up!" I found out the bagel HR lady was on vacation and that I should be hearing about my new job soon, I got to talk to a recruiter from Syracuse University about Part time work and starting school, and I got an appointment with medicaid to enroll and get my medication started.

Things were looking up and I was starting to feel positive again.

I was feeling really good until my fiance came home in a panic saying Kane my little boy (my Pit Bull) had been attacked on his walk by another Pit Bull/Labrador mix.

He'd been walking down the sidewalk with Crash when the Pit bull jumped out of the guys front porch and launched himself at Kane. Kane tried to run away until the other dog went after Crash, then Kane pinned the other dog down until Crash managed to pull them apart and get the other dog away from Kane by kicking it in the head.

By the end of the fight Crash had lost a shoe, got a cut on his lip, and been bitten by the other dog.
Kane has an open sore on his paw, a split lip, and a gash above his eye.

The entire time though despite Kane being a former Fighting Dog he only fought the other dog when the Dog went after Crash.

Crash separated them and called Kane off and Kane collapsed and began to cry and whimper and hyperventilate and Crash ended up running home 3 blocks home with Kane in his arms crying. (all 70 pounds)

Kane was hyperventilating and bleeding when he got home but despite being in enormous pain and panicked he only snapped at me once.

Yet then it was only to put his mouth on my hand so gently just to say "OK, That hurts really really REALLY bad, stop touching it." Then whimpered and collapsed again.

I called my friend who is a Vet and she came driving over like a bat outta hell with her sack and we began to try to get Kane calmed down and patched up.

I ended up having to put him in his dog crate on ice packs and making him drink Smart water from a sports bottle. The vet said he had some of the other dogs tooth stuck in his gums and lips.

We managed to get it out by dosing Kane with some Buprinex that I gave him orally to kill the pain and Kane didn't growl or bite or anything.

In fact the only thing that made it hard to get the bits of broken teeth out of his mouth were him trying to lick us. Kane luckily had no broken teeth and his gums look good after being rinsed with h202 and water. I gave him Clindamyacin and will see if that will work and if not we will start a stronger antibiotic. I think that since we cleaned him up and bathed him so fast after the fight that he will be OK.

After we cleaned up his cuts and super glued them together with 3M VetBond and I gave him a sedative that the vet had brought over.

He is currently sleeping in his crate on our memory foam mattress that we ended up making him out of our old mattress topper. Poor guy is beat. We ended up moving his crate next to our bed so we could hear him if he whimpers in the night to dose him with pain meds.

What pisses me off is that this other pit was a actual fighting dog, he was NOT on a leash, he didn't have his shots (thank god Kane does!) AND Kane was on his leash on the sidewalk and didn't instigate anything.

The owner was sorry and kept apologizing but didn't help break up the fight, didn't offer Crash a ride home, and didn't even offer him a towel for Kane;s blood or to pay for vet bills.

I went over there later with the vet and my two cop friends who investigate dog fighting and they demanded to check him dog with myself (a veterinary assistant) and the vet.

The dog was battered from other fights, had most of its teeth missing, had fleas and the beginnings of red mange, and had chains wrapped around its neck.

The cops immediately seized the dog and sadly the Vet decided with the owner that this dog was in rough shape (numerous broken ribs an eye infection, and skin tags hanging off its stomach) Plus he was absolutely petrified and aggressive toward the cops and bit his owner twice while we stood there talking to him. This dog was so far gone, there was no saving him. I felt homicidal toward the idiot who let this happen.

The Vet offered to Euthanize the dog for no charge and the owner immediately surrendered the dog and didn't even ask to come with to say goodbye.

So I went with the dog to the clinic, as did the two police officers which I was really moved by.

I went and held a paw, told him he was a good boy and this was not his fault, and he died surrounded by people who cared about him.

The guy doesn't know he is getting charged with assault (failure to contain a dog with a history of aggression, he should have been wearing a leader or basket muzzle, or on leash.) Failure to provide adequate care, gross neglect, and failure to comply because it was his third warning and he wasn't even supposed to OWN a dog after the stuff he'd done with his other dogs. He is getting arrested tomorrow AM as soon as the judge wakes up and signs the warrants. I get to sign an affidavit with the vet, I hope the guy gets 5,000 fine and has to go to jail.

The thing that pisses me off and alternately makes me the most upset is that if Kane had come to us any later, or to anyone else, he would be that dog. Dead, wasted away, and forgotten as a "bad Pit Bull"

But today decided me. If a former fighting dog that lost a fight and was dumped on our steps can learn to walk/run away from a fight and only fight back to protect his owner and then be so gentle with kids, cats, battered women, mentally retarded adults, and me the cripple? That dog deserves every single chance in the book because he is a symbol that despite horrible fate, there are great beings that can be compassionate despite overcoming terrible pain.

I have full faith that we can help Kane get over this and still work on being a good dog (which he has been miraculous in his learning curve and growth into a great house dog and leash dog) despite what happened tonight, anything is possible.

Now I owe it to both of those dogs to make sure no one forgets the power of kindness and a huge heart. I owe it to every dog to offer second chances, and remember those who never even got a first chance.

Rest in peace Unnamed Pit Bull. I'm just sorry you had to have that kind of life, and I promise Kane will never have that life.

For the love of Kane

We have a pit-bull named Kane who is a fighting dog that was thrown from a moving car into our yard. Despite the healed fractures and scars and obvious trauma. DESPITE the fact that he is petrified of loud noises and overly protective of me and the kids in the house, he is absolutely the sweetest most loving dog who just distrusts strangers and doesn't care for other dogs.

But he LOVES cats, kids, women, and his daddy.

I am a hopeless convert to the sweet temperament and forgiving nature and intelligence of the Pitbull. Having only grown up with Rotties, Dobies, German shepards, and Shetland collies I was unsure about most Pits and fed into the hype.I remember my Nana telling me how vicious they were and how one of them tore a woman's breast off because they were just naturally mean dogs. Now I see its exactly that Hype.

Having worked for more than 20 animal welfare, rescue, zoological and veterinary rehabilitation centers all over the world I can say I have been bitten by more cats, and small dogs but I have never once, not ONCE been bitten by a large breed dog or a PitBull (and I have worked to rehabilitate many of them) that were labeled as dangerous.

I was chased down and tree'd by a Dalmatian, I had a pant leg ripped off by a Standard poodle, and had a massive hand wound that required stitches given to me by a Black Lab. And was almost scarred for life when a pomeranian latched onto my face during an exam.

None of those dogs were EVER recommended to be euthanize'd.

I take Kane to the Vet and he has serious fear of new people and abandonment issues and growls at the vets and they immediately recommend that I put him to sleep because he is too aggressive. Mind you he was fine as long as I was holding him and he had a muzzle on.

Meanwhile a golden retriever in the same room grabs my pant leg growling and yanking on it and the Vets laugh and say its just playing.

As a former intern at two wolf centers I can assure you that was NOT playing.

So my unemployed self and my derelict dog continue to defy all reason and co-exist peacefully with 4 cats, 2 kids, and 3 adults. We know we will never be a two dog house, we know we will never be able to take him to a dog park ( I disagree with dog parks anyway) and I know he will probably always be overprotective.

But it is not a crime I am willing to punish with a death sentence.

Conversely, it makes me want to rescue another one if Kane decides to exit this mortal coil.


Monday, September 01, 2008

Sarah Palin: The voice of abstinence only?

So Sarah Palin is to be McCain's running mate. Now it has come to light that she has a daughter whom has been pregnant out of wedlock 5 months pregnant again at 17.

Said the politician when asked if she would continue to support abstinence only education that she would, and that she supports her daughters decision to keep the baby and get married.

a kid by 17?

Sounds like the young women around my neighborhood. However, Sarah Palin is also being championed because she applauded her daughters choice to keep the baby AND her own brave keeping of a baby with Down's Syndome.

As if, if one were ever planning to run for a major race, it could be easily covered up?

With a daughter whose education of abstinence only lead her to pregnant and married at 17 wouldn't you think that perhaps there was something wrong with your system?

Not all of women have a mother who has the means to help us support children. And a lot of 17 and younger girls whom are pregnant are having sex knowing full well they could become pregnant but without easily available contraceptives and open dialogue with a loved ones a taboo suddenly becomes irresistible.

I for one will not be voting for Sarah Palin, knowing what she is putting her daughter through in the name of the christian moral right if you can't mind your own children, how will you keep your finger to the pulse of a nation?


Sunday, August 31, 2008

Unwed and unemployed

It has been a full 30 days of being unemployed now and I am seriously feeling like the worlds largest loser.

Had it not been for a loan from my sister, a loan from my parents, and selling two articles to a ghostwriter I would not have paid rent and utilities and afforded dog and cat food.

The Freemont strip story is still not written with 30 days unemployed because I have been playing medicaid/disability roulette.

The doctors took another image of my spine and said "Work while you can, which won't be long!"


In more interesting news one of the clinical doctors here wants to study me for a case. He has not seen people with SYringomyelia so young so he wants to do a study. Hopefully it will cover my meds.

I just want a part time job so that I can help with bills I feel like such a loser.

So far the only thing I have been doing is child wrangling and cooking meals.

I actually had to go to the food give away and pick up some stuff for our house.

THrough it all I am trying to stay positive but when one is in pain and eating crappy 24/7 and worried about bills it is hard to think about "Be positive"

I could always have to live in a cardboard box somewhere. That would be worse.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pole Position? Olympics 2008

Every year my Grandmother and I would watch the Olympics when they were on. Swimming, Gymnastics, Track and Field during the summer then Skating, Skiing, and in later snowboarding.

But now its the later years that somewhat drive me a little crazy.

First there is the "Dream Team" We make a basketball team that is so good, the best money can pay for, that beats every other team because we can pull NBA players to play basketball.

Then suddenly we start adding sports to Olympic games. I like Snowboarding, Diving from higher and higher platforms, tae kwon do and Karate both being added.

Fencing, AWESOME its a physically demanding sport, even freaking ping pong that I saw in Thailand looked crazy.

Then I saw Curling, Water Polo, Rhythmic Gymnastics,Archery,Badminton,and Synchronized Diving.

Even The Luuje, as in Jumping in a sled and riding down a hill of ice.

When Did this become something that was as difficult or rated on the scale of sport as a 100 meter dash, leaping off a balance beam, or swimming to beat others to the other end of the pool?

Then again, as a retired competitor of fencing, karate, and firefighting myself I can appreciate that the most medals won this year were not in fact won by anyone in sychronized diving, not in water polo and not even in badminton which I myself enjoyed in high school gym class.

They were 8 medals won in swimming. Something I was never good at, something Micheal Phelps spent hours in a pool practicing, training, and sacrificing for.

So maybe the fact that there are all these other "sports" out there for people to participate in isn't so important as long as there are committed athletes willing to take risks and train hard to try to compete in the classic events that made the Olympics worth watching again.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

It wasn't what I thought it was. I woke up again for the fifth night in a row with my left side itching like hell. My wounds were itching like crazy but more my ribs and back were itching!

I finally called a truce and went in to see my doctor and he took some x-rays.

Turns out when I took a tumble from the scootie puff junior I broke my left ankle again ( too late to cast again and like the millionth time anyhow) my left wrist, dislocated and then snapped back in my shoulder and apparently cracked a rib.

So the reason I was itching so bad was that I am healing. Holy High pain tolerance batman! I rule!

I rewarded myself for being such a badazz by going on a very slow scooter ride while Crash and Jeci were out at the Hardware store only to come home to find Little "D" ratting me out to my sister.


I wouldn't talk to the kid for like an hour. What a turn coat, the first time I catch his drinking underage or sneaking out payback is a b*tch.

He promised not to tell Crash and Jeci has the memory of a Goldfish but still.

I am jobless not on Lock down.

OK. I have 30 minutes before its time for Kane and I to go to bed and I still need to shower and give Kane a Bath.


Thursday, August 14, 2008

What gets you through it?

31 years old.

I spent it cooking, cleaning and trying to ignore my aching left side covered in road rash.

the serious scrapes are getting better but I am in no shape to go to work this weekend so I was told by my part time job that I have been taken off the schedule for the rest of the month.

This helps money matters considerably! Pun intended.

So I told my future sister in law that I am going to go to school to become a counselor and she said "How can you do that, won't you internalize everything?!"

I thought about it and said "Nope."

She asked me how I couldn't and I said "Its all about what gets you through it."

I mean I am pretty crippled, and got into a scooter accident and got layed off and then fired for having a freaking scooter accident. Things are not good. But things could really be worse. Seriously they could!

We have enough cat food in the house, my sister won't let us starve because she freakin owes us, our rent is paid for this month. I will worry about the other bills as they come.

If I have to go off pain meds and go to the emergency room to get them then thats what I have to do.

Things have a way of working out, lifes crazy that way.


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Scootie Puff Jr. Bucks the Rider

So I was about to take Jeci to the doctor when Chris gets my scooter running again and wants me to take a quick test drive.

Eager to test it out I take off entirely too fast and wipe out accross the street in the neighbors driveway.

I slid for about 5 feet with the scooter on top of me then stopped to which I hear "Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit HUNNY! are you ok?! shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!!!" from Chris running out after me.

our neighbor heard the crash and came running out,as did his wife the nurse.

I was completely conscious and trying to get up but was pinned saying "I'm fine!"

I had road rash down my left side and a rock wedged in my left wrist and my helmet was scratched up, as was my scooter and I was bleeding from several places but felt fine.

So Jeci took me with her to the doctor and he took one look at my pupils and sent me to urgent care for x-rays.

I was mildly concussed (but so was she and she lost consciousness on friday from being ran over by a bunch of idiots with sticks. Look up Society for Creative Anachronism and Pensic War.)

I have a sprained foot, and shoulder, two sprained fingers, and lots of tiny cuts and abrasions. The nurse next door came with me to prompt care and told them to use betadine on my cuts to teach me a lesson and they did.

Let me tell you, shit hurts like a mother!

Chris was already talking about selling Scootie Puff but I said "No, absolutely not."

I have learned my lesson about taking off too fast and I am getting right back on once I feel better and taking a scooter safety class from my other scooter riding friends.

He hesitantly agreed until my friend Curt who rides motorcycles came over and said he would personally teach me and he teaches motor cycle safety seminars.

I checked on Scootie puff today and she started right up and sounded fine, I think there might be some damage to the back wheel, I am going to have to take her apart and take a look. Its a good think I am unemployed right now!

In other news Jeci got fired today.

She came home and said "Good news I am here to take care of you!" I kinda peered up at her like "wah?"

And she told me she had been fired.

GREAT. Two unemployed people in the house.

If our luck keeps running this well we will be living in a cardboard box by September!


Sunday, August 10, 2008

A constant state of disarray

I am covered in dog, cat, hair, puke, and what I hope and will for my mental safety assume us cat dried cat litter.

I am finally able to sit down after a day of cleaning up after the 5 minions, the Citizen Kayne the Canine. And of course Jeci my sisters three cats, and my fours masters of feline destruction.

Crash managed to get some computer programs downloaded and help me walk the dog (insert stabbing motion here)

I managed to clean the yard, the animals, the refrigerator, stock the pantry and roll out dinner for 4 thinking Matt was leaving (Jeci's BF) and that the Boyz were coming home. NOT the case.

So tomorrow I have time to apply to the coop, apply for school (going back to school to become a counselor) as well as hopefully clean some more.

I had to separate the boy cats from the girls because they are becoming fractious.

I heard constant screaming and crying and there is a TINY girl cat that needs to grow a little and not be picked on. Plus I am hoping the Mama cat Allie will let her nurse some more.

I realize that I need to throw Vegas pictures up here but I was unaware that my house was DESTROYED while I was gone and thus I need to do a laundromat run and some serious house and yard work before I will have time for sitting at a computer.

x's and O's


Saturday, August 09, 2008

City of the lost

Back from Las Vegas. Went to an art show or three while I was there and was privledged enough to tour a printing factory and stay with two animation artist. They say starving artists they are NOT KIDDING.

I spend a good 500.00 of money that was given to me for a posh hotel room and spent it on art, food and clothing for artists that I befriended or whom were long time friends of mine and I don't regret a SINGLE PENNEY.

I have two more foster kittens. A tiny calico who is very skittish who we call Penney Lane and a marbleized cat whom has no name yet.

Really the kitten has no personality to speak of as of yet. Maybe we should call him Stan.

Allie the mama cat is turning out to be quite a little lover. She enjoys sitting in your lap, looking out the window, and eating.

Avery is a devil. He enjoys playing,eating a crap and a nap.

Maddie is still quite shy, tolerates being picked up after a chase, tolerates petting but is afraid, and needs to be socialized.

Avery needs to get neutered and then he will be ready for adoption.

He and Mama are both adoption ready and Avery especially needs more room to run around and destroy, erm I mean explore things.

Job front I have applied for part time work at Barnes and Nobles, Wegmans (shudder) and again at St. Joseph hospital.

I am also looking at going back to school to be a counselor and working part time at the college would really help me out. So I am going to apply to be a temp there.

Avery is in my socks throwing them on the floor so I must end this entry.

More on Vegas with slut pictures and madness later, ah there goes my underwear drawer.. later kids.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bad attitude

So I swear no one listens to me.

Thats why I want to be a counselor Because I want people to feel listened to.

I am going to Las Vegas with the kids by myself and I don't know anyone, but I know I want to go to China town and The First Friday event.

Then it will practically be time to go home.

But while I was there I was hoping to have an MP3 player or Computer to entertain myself.

Not so.

My sister is leaving her laptop here and my fiance refused to buy me a new MP3 plyaer even though my ipod shuffle (the ancient lighter style thing) was stolen.

So now I am off to Vegas with 2 books, some TV, 100 bucks and no friends.

WiFi but no computer, money but HELLO I am not walking around the strip by myself at night?!


What did I get myself into...


Monday, July 28, 2008

Las Vegas, Las Veeeegas....

So My Sister is going to send me to Las Vegas and I am buying myself an early birthday present THIS most likely I will be not getting it until my birthday but still.

I am going to be going online to see what stuff there is to do in Las Vegas while I am there, that will tell me how long I am going to stay. My sister wants me to stay for a week. I could see myself doing it.

More likely I need to get going on finding a job.

So far there have been little or no leads and bills are looking ominous.

Crash almost outright refuses to get another job. I am looking at the local food coop and Wegmand for part time work and looking at VESID and Healthy NY.

Being partially disabled really sucks, especially at so young.

Today I feel it though. I am sore and tired and hot even with AC on. I can't wait to go home and crawl into bed, I am thinking Ice cream for dinner.

Yeah, Its been that kind of day.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Tough Decisions

So I have had an attack of Fibro, Swelling, and some gastro that made me dizzy, nauseous and forgetful because of the sheer amount of pills I have had to take.

I have missed two days of work.

Not ok.

I have finished my work but I have some Vegfest things that I don't have copied of here and really need to get done.

I will get them done tomorrow.

I have the Foster Mother and kittens from The North side staying in my office. She lets me hold her in my lap and looks hardly more than a kitten herself. We call her Allie.

She has two kittens Tigris and Maddie. Both are almost as big as her and still nursing.

They are adorable.

See Here:


Allie one the lap




Sweet Maddie

In other News Kayne having recovered from being neutered is being his own self. I found out they didn't give him pain meds and didn't give him pain medication because they thought I was going to Euthanize him.

Holy Cruel.

So having some on hand I called a friend of mine who is a vet and dosed him accordingly. He immediately seemed better and stopped peeing uncontrollably and growling at us and whimpering. He truly was in a lot of pain and scared out of his mind. All hail the power of narcotics!

He is almost being his old self today, snuggling a lot.

I snapped this pic:

Psyche Ward!

Very appropriate.

Hope you and yours are well.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

This Grey Ghost

Lately I've been a Grey Ghost.

Passing through this house I call home, and volunteering, and working, and being sick on a daily basis, and trying to find future employment and manifesting a destiny.

Its been somewhat like I am living someone elses life and watching from outside.

Every time I think, this is not good, it turns out OK. Not great, not fantastic, not horribly array, just, grey.

Kane was neutered and then they said "you should euthaize this dog,he isn't worth saving.

It hit me in my heart. They didn't see the dog who cuddled in bed, was so gentle with my autistic nephew, played with the hose, was afraid of getting his feet wet when he peed, liked playing hide and seek. They saw a Pit Bull Mix who had been abused and was afraid of a vet and was growling.

I may not be able to save him. I may break my heart when I fail him and have to put him down despite all my best efforts. I know if he bites someone he is getting put down. It will kill me a little. But I will do everything I can to save him because we failed him and he deserves a chance to be a miracle.

We also have is our house a stray mother and two little kittens. They are settling well and everyone is very curious. Jayne keeps wanting to see the kittens, which leads me to believe she would be an excellent foster mom to kittens in the future.

Kane keeps tryingt to sniff kitties and the mother is fiercly protective. They are in a large dog crate.

Mom is already coming and letting me pet her and so is little brother Tigris. Little sister Maddie is scared and doesn't like to be touched by hands we are still at the bath brush stage.

small steps!



"Grey Ghost" Mike Doughty

Oh in the grey
Grey ghost that I call home
In the great
Stony lonesome I call home
In the grey
Grey ghost that I call home
In the grey grey ghost that I call home

Oh he will not
Walk out the river now
He will not walk out the river
He will not walk out the river
Singing don't fall through the stars
Don't fall through them
Don't fall through the stars
Don't fall through them
On the docks in Memphis with the boombox, nodding out
Singing don't fall through the stars
Don't fall through them
Don¹t fall through the stars

In the trail of the barge
And the light upon the brine
He has slaked these thoughts
And the rostov undelighted, signing
Don't fall through the stars
Sleepy-eyed the man is wading out into the night
Singing don't fall through the stars

Friday, July 18, 2008

Manifest Destiny

So. I've manifestered.

I sage smudged, cleaned, shat, showered and shaved, and I got two interviews out of the ordeal. Kudo's to manifestering!

Monday I am taking my beloved pooch Kane K. Micheal on a road trip to get his Testicles reduced. Thus lowering his ability to get testicular cancer and impregnate young bitches.

Aw whom I kidding. The young man is getting the slice and dice.

I'm going to be giving him a half a valium before we drive so he is easier to manage and I have been practicing on him with the stethoscope and showing him a needle. I even did a blood draw (done em a THOUSANd times people don't send me angry letters) and he was a GOOD BOY)

We practiced injecting him with saline and feeling him up around strangers and he understands that means he gets a TINY kiss each time he is good.

Also I will be there with him, in my scrubs, assisting the entire time.

So they were thrilled to have extra hands on deck.

I am going to go to the grocery store now. get bread and some other crap and then off to AC. its 92 degrees here!

Great. The Drummers came. The drummer who always try to get free rental space without paying. Who come in and say "Steve said", or "Ray said",or "we always pay later", and they always come at 4:45 and then say "We will be back at 5!"

So I end up staying late.

I hate them I really do. I am starting the lock down process and if they are not here at 3 minutes to 5 I am locking them out and leaving.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Cheng Kee- Little Brother Lost

I remember when I was a sophmore in college and my mom told me I had a "little brother" I knew right away it was a dog. See growing up with a grandmotherly patriarch we did NOT have a dog. Nor a cat until I was almost a Senior in highschool (one cat) then a sophmore in college (one dog, my mothers)

Now I was sitting in my basement of my apartment with my sister Jeci waiting for my mother and her new dog called a cheeba inuit? or some none sense.

Turns out it was a Shiba Inu and when my mom pulled up and his fuzzy little head popped up over the seat and he ran over to say hello I was instantly smitten (and immediately peed on)

As the years rolled on each summer and break I would come home to visit my "little brother" taking him out for treats at Petco where he had an AVID fan club. Taking him to the Comic book shop (yet another fan club. Even at the Office where he got his shots, I took my cat Billy to get a booster and the woman said "Your total is $35.61 How is Cheng-Kee!?"

We went on road trips, drank from Niagara falls, moved me from Minnesota to New York and celebrated holidays together.

He always remembered me and it warmed my heart that even going blind with diabetes he knew me.

Today July 8 2008 Cheng Kee passed away from cancer in the loving arms of his owner Linda Manlove.

Consequently, We decided Crash and I, that the dog abandoned on our front porch we are going to keep.

So in honor or a great dog we name our dog Kane-Kee Micheal Armstrong.

Cheng-Kee Manlove you will be remembered for the wide shiba smile and always being a sympathetic ear, a huge heart and a gentle soul and I hole Kane can inherit half the wisdom you leave behind.

Love always your little sister,


Thursday, July 03, 2008

Dodging a bullet

So I was catching up with two very good friends of mine who were both Army friends and both shared the same prowess and belief in sexuality as I did.

I just found out that both of them have herpes and one of them has herpes and genital warts.

We all followed the same safe sex guidelines, dated the same types of people, and pretty much hung around the same crowd and had the same batting average to put it delicately but I came out with a totally clean whistle and both of them have life long diseases.

When I asked if they knew when they got it they both said it was probably one of the times they had been in a committed relationship, had gone on the pill and stopped using safe safer sex protection.


I never did that shit. My parents taught me that unless you were married or together and both tested for STD's TOGETHER you didn't pull that crap. Besides which the pill made me insane and I didn't want to go on it.

So maybe I didn't dodge a bullet, but kept my defenses up against potential enemies longer than my comrades.

Makes you think.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Great day so why do I feel so bad?

So I went to work, got out of a superbly boring meeting (woot!) then had a pleasantly productive day and an interview and doctor's appointment scheduled (double woot!) THEN I got a ride home and walking up the stairs tripped and thought I don't want to have to let the dog out...only to find that Kane being let out by the Crash! (WOOT!)

So I go upstairs, make some dinner, spend time with the catren and dog foster. read a bit, take a shower and am playing with the dog when he growls and snaps at me. Luckily since I worked with wolves I catch the warning signs and immediately see the warning grab his nape, flip him over and scream him stupid. then crate him while I gain my cool.

I realized my error, we are playing with his BONE. his PORCH bone. And I am on his level and was by his mouth. It was so absurdly stupid and now that I think about it I am wanting to take the same bone and hit myself over the head several times in consequetive thuds and say "stupid" over and over until the memory is gone.

I NEVER let his "play" with the bone. It is soley a relaxation toy. The boys never are allowed to "take it" from him and Kane always is told to "leave it" when its time to go inside. Its just too hard for him to let go of it.

Some toys and objects are triggers. I knew that and not only did I let him take the bone in but I was PLAYING with it with him.

I feel so bad I think I want to go give him a treat. But then he will be thinkng his actions were acceptable and they weren't. But truly, neither were mine.

We are still quite the ambiguously stupid duo.


Friday, June 20, 2008

My theme song as of late?

Your Misfortune

When your faith in life is gone
Come and speak to me
When you’re down and all messed up
Seek my sympathy

When everybody says no, no, no
Well it’s
Your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong, wrong, wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song

I can be the friend you want
I can be your confidante
I can be the right reminder at the right time
Throwing out the lifeline

Stand in the light. Stand in the light. Stand in the light.

When everybody says no, no, no
Well it’s
Your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong, wrong, wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song

When your face is caked with mud
Come and speak to me
When the chill creeps in your blood
Seek my sympathy

When everybody says no, no, no
Well it’s
Your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong, wrong, wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song

I can be the air you drink
Every single thought you think
I can be the right notion in the meantime
Warm you like the sunshine

Stand in the light. Stand in the light. Stand in the light.

Not much more I can say. I wish someone could lift me up.

That person is my Nana, it used to be my sister, now she is too far gone in her own misfortune to help me. My Uncle Mike acutally used to be great at telling me funny things about his work or just listening or giving me a hug and I would forget about my here and now for a while. I mis his voice and his hugs when I feel like this. This song reminds me of him. He was like standing in a warm spot of sun.


Thursday, June 19, 2008

WTF?! I am flypaper for morons

OK. That's it. THAT is the straw. THE F-ING STRAW!

I want to go to a place in the middle of the woods where no one is and be by myself. No more people, They are a constant disappointment.

I have been pissed on , shat on , sat on dropped from great heights, and spit on by karma and all his and her henchmen and smiled and took it.

I have tried to just take it with a smile when people said craptastic things to me and just brush it off as people being mean and letting it go. But this is IT!

I need a break before someone else gets my wrath who doesn't deserve to be unleashed upon!!!

I had NIMO turn off my electric after I sent them 200 of a 400 dollar bill. I was 97 cents short so they turned my power off without giving me 72 hours to come up with 97 cents.
It took them 2 days to turn it back on again and my dad's lawyers went apeshit on them because I have medical equipment that I use that NEEDS electricity that I had to use a gasoline generator on the back porch strung into the house. to run the fridge and my massage chair for my legs and back.

But we still had no hot water for 24 hours and i had to walk to my sisters house down stairs and had no heat in my apartment and it was 55 degrees in my apartment and I was freezing.

Today I am so tired from lack of sleep I spent the entire day fighting off falling asleep at my desk.

So this woman who sexually harassed me who didn't get reprimanded for it and still volunteers here and calls me "Beautiful" all the time *shudder* is caught carrying a fillet knife in her purse.

I ask her why she is taking a fillet knife from the westcott, she says she was going to return it, she needed it for protection. (???!!!)

Same woman whose dog mauled a friend of mine and permanently disfigured his leg with NO PROVOCATION. Who I (as a dog lover and trainer, and advocate) told Dog control if they ever see it lose it should be immediately euthanized because it isn't sane anymore.

So this crazy woman comes in today and accuses a retired police woman of stealing (wait for it) her frozen cinnamon buns.

I'll say it again.


The lady says that the older gentle men gave everyone some of them and Katie suddenly snatches them from her and then starts saying that she is a thief and that those are hers and she doesn't tolerate thieves. The woman being a retired cop takes offense and says "You can keep the damn buns but you apologize for calling me a thief you are a liar! Your rolls are probably with your purse in the kitchen!"

Crazy Woman turns around takes the frozen rolls and strikes the woman in the arm with the rolls. You heard me crazy bitch HITS HER!

Then as everyone starts screaming and yelling and carrying on the Senior adviser and I come out of the office like a shot and come out to see whats the matter. I see the older retired cop crying and know something is wrong. The Senior adviser turns and starts reaming the crazy bitch out telling her she needs to leave immediately. I come in, tell the senior adviser to leave and assist the injured person. I tell the crazy lady "You have assaulted someone. You have 2 minutes to get yourself as far from here as possible before the police get here, I don't even owe you that."

Then I watched her leave, and called the police, wrote a assault charge, put it on record with the PD here and performed First aid and made an appointment with Prompt care for the assault victim and drove her over.

So upon returning back I hear that the my jerk of a boss had come back and didn't even want to hear about what happened and only said "Send me the bill"


Then a bitch calls on the phone and when I am telling her the booking agent has gone for the day and that I will leave a message she says snottily "So what do you do? answer the phone and write down messages?! Tough Job!"

I wanted to HIT the woman over the phone!

I handle crazy people, rescue animals, work or human rights campaign, raise my nephews, and help other people who suffer from degenerative disc disease and Syringomyelia like I do.

At my job now I just made an art manual for inner city kids, made a volunteer manual, and totally remade a 1,500 member art list mailing so that next years art trail will be better attended and publicized.

So NO, I don't do NOTHING but write down messages you brainless bellydancer I mean who spells Shellie; CHelle'




Monday, June 16, 2008

Muther Flippin.....

This actually made my day.

Made me crack up too.

Have a laugh even if it IS monday


Friday, June 13, 2008

Ponytail Haricutting

I am a fan of the brittish show "Celebrity Scissorhands" and recently saw this on You Tube and had to link it here

I am ready for a haircut and am thinking that I might have to do this.

Apparently the more you pull the pony tail forward the more layers you get and then you cut into the end of the pony edge or "shaving brush" as it is reffered to and it gives you the choppy layers.

So depending on degrees you could have very gradual or almost no layers at all.

As I said before, I really may have to try this as my hair has almost no body at all.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Makes me feel better

more cat pictures

"If only the Itty Bitty Kitty Fire Brigade Came to put da Couch Fire Out"

With TINY little red helmets and NoMex turnout gear!


The beat goes on...

So I get an e-mail today from Spay and Neuter Syracuse today. They can't Neuter Blockhead AKA "Kane" until July. Which means we are fostering him until July.

Which means walking him, feeding him, training him, trimming nails, socializing, and generally being a dog owner again until well into July.

This wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't also trying to get a job, go on vacation, and deal with a worsening back at the same time.

This is just the WORST time to have a dog dropped on me.

I usually would never say something this hateful but whoever ditched this dog, I hope you get hit by a train, bus, truck, or large car and die a slow painful death alone, cold, in a ditch and in the hands of vengeful spiteful gods and later roast over a spit in hell.

This dog has serious problems about worrying people are going to attack me when we are walking. He is super anxious about the house and is constantly thinking people are trying to break in, and whoever had him before encouraged some of his aggressive characteristics because his temperament test showed that he responded aggressively at first to high pitched squeaky voices even when I stopped the voice and told him to sit.

The next day when we tested him with going in the yard and watching a neighbor he lunged at the neighbor and barked showing aggression and wouldn't be corrected.

He shows signs of being Incredibly stubborn, and borderline aggressive. He will need to be with an owner who KNOWS dogs, has owned dogs and knows how to make them work. He needs to work and do things. I think he is the kind of dog that would be a great garage or dump dog. He could be with a person all day and then guard and bark at things all night.

Well. I have 2 weeks to train him and get his urinary infection under control and hopefully find him a family. But I am ruling out small children and anyplace in the city.

Did I also mention I also was handed a baby bird and two newborn kittens last night? We won't even BEGIN to go into that.


Friday, June 06, 2008

Blooming Peonies

I love them so much I had one tattooed onto my right bicep.

Indeed. I am even trying to think of a way of incorporating a design of a skull with peonies in the eyes but my friend keeps saying "no marigolds, definitively more you."

I do love marigolds. And Dandelions because they are beautiful but if you try to pick them and put them in a vase they will die, but that their leaves make such a great salad, yet they are considered weeds.

I love birds foot trefoil a roadside ground cover that with bright yellow flowers that just happens to have cyanide in its leaves.

I love things like those which are juxtaposed. On one hand they are delightful to the eye medicinal, fragrant, delicious, or excellent at keeping away a pest on the other hand they are poisonous, die easily, have thorns, spread like disease, or are highly flammable.

That is my kind of flower.

But that is not why I love the peony.

I love the peony because my nana taught me hot to take care of them, watching the ants carefully cleaning the buds of each flower and the bees carefully tending to each bloom until they opened.

Then when they opened we would sneak out late at night and take shears and cut bouquets of peonies for each of our rooms and wash them carefully in the sink and remove the leaves. She would place a small drop of bleach in each vase and then place the peonies in our rooms.

I would come home to a room smelling brightly of peonies.

Then the bad part. One blooms. They all bloom. Then you rush around giving all your neighbors flowers putting peonies in every stinking corner of the house (which I LOVE!) and as soon as it starts it is over and the blooms are gone.

I try to savor the scent, enjoy watching the cats sniffing the air, my nephews stopping to check to see if there are any flowers ready to be picked. I sit in bed at night smelling the sweetly scenting air of my room softly breathing in the scent of the peonies and remembering myself as a little girl doing the same thing in my tiny twin bed.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Scootie Puff Junior, Rises From the Ashes

So it appears that the Angels At the DMV in Albany want to Bish Slap the Taft Road DMV Receptionists.

When I told them about the way she talked to me and what she told me that I needed and then how she refused to give me the paperwork the Albany Angel went BALLISTIC.

Indeed. Miss Peggy from ALBANY said "You need MV 82, an MV 51b that YOU fill out, an MV 51b that Adam fills out, an MV 51, and then a DTF 802, a VIN rubbing, a BILL OF SALE, and an insurance card. If they give you ANY problems you tell them you want the supervisor and that you spoke to the DMV in ALBANY and that I looked at the registration and the model and odometer and that this is indeed the correct paperwork."


Now I am off to draft up a Bill of Sale even though Adam is technically "giving it to me" and then I am done!

I am so happy. Soon I am going to be scooting around Syracuse

KJ, the Junior on Scootie Puff JR.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

My kind of cat.

Boxing Fan cat. Bwahahahahaha! This rulez.

Monday, June 02, 2008

A shot to the chin

"I found out that two of my Junior Handlers are struggling with their Mom's
alcoholism. Karen was very accusatory towards her daughter last week and I
interceded and got her calmed down. I picked up the kids this am to go to the Dog
Park and see the babies. When I brought them back, Billie told me that she
knew her Mom had been drinking. Max had picked up on it too. I asked her
outright and she admitted it. She was talking about driving with them and so I took
them with me, after I told her if she had anything else to drink I' d kick her
ass. I called a little later to tell her to sleep it off and she agreed to
that. When I brought them home at 4:00pm she had just woken up. She started in on
Billie again, and I took her out on the deck and sent the kids for a walk
with their dogs. I really read her the riot act and then we all sat down and
wrote up a contract. Thirty days of meetings (with signed attendance for me and
the kids) and a change in meds for Karen. The kids to help out more around the
house ie: if they don't have clean clothes it's their fault-not Mom's. Get off
her case about smoking if she's doingit outside. At least three Alateen
meetings. They have my numbers to call if they need me, and if they can;t get me
they are to call Dad. If they are afraid she might be drinking they have
permission to look for booze and to call me, then I will talk to Karen. I thought
about you and how much I put you and Seth through all day. Maybe I can make a few
more amends with these kids. Love you more than you'll ever know.


I just got this letter from my mom. I thought I had actually gotten tough and past being angry at my mother for this but reading this stuff I actually was so shocked I couldn't talk, almost cried and had shaking hands that wanted to hit things.

All I could think of is, WHY are the kids forced to go to Alateen, why are they forced to sign a contract, why are they forced to accept their mothers smoking and get off their mothers case when SHE is the drunk? And why is a former drunk the advocate for the kids who are the victims?

She wants to make amends to me by making the kids go to meetings to sober up their mom? Doesn't she remember that I refused to go saying point blank that her drinking was not my fault and her endangering my welfare was inexcusable and I wasn't going to go to a meeting to learn how to placate her inability to not take drugs or alcohol when life was hard.

I mean FUCK I was a freaking hurting kids with chronic pain whose doctors thought she was a hypochondriac, with an alcoholic mother who routinely neglected us and drove around with us in a care while drunk. I've seen things that I have never told other people except my best friends and Uncles about only after swearing them to secrecy that made them cry. Now instead of finally trying to become a better person (because being a 50 year old, 500 pound, partially disabled food addict living with your mother is not successful in my mind)she decides she is going to try to make these kids give their mother a break and read her the riot act?

Yeah I can see how that went. A little yelling followed by a WHOLE lot of empathy and sympathy and reading from the Big Book.

I was irritated before last night and NOW I know why I saw this coming, I knew something like this was going to happen. I am so freakin irritated right now. My coworkers are irritating me and I know its because of this e-mail and the scooter and my back but I just can't shake off the irritation.

I just want to go around screaming FUK FUK FUK FUK I AM FLYPAPER FOR MORONS!

But I am trying to find another job so ranting and raging on the front lawn would not bode well for me finding a possible employer.

Quick note, Good thing that I actually took my own advice, A assistant director came in from Peace Incorporated and I talked to her about possible job opportunities and I handed her my resume and she got excited when she saw it (which made me perk up a little bit)

I know I irritated our senior adviser by choking in on her convo and slipping in my resume but ya know what she parrots my advice to people all the time and doesn't listen to people. Turn about is fair play.