Monday, March 28, 2016

Idiot in the AM

So after getting up early, wading thru insurance, disability, doctors, and bills I managed to clean two giant drawers, purge expired meds, food, and makeup and get a load of laundry done.  So no surprise it's 2 am and my back and legs are a cramping aching ball of misery.

Cue a hot shower and me giving my hair the middle finger, I swear I a going to shave my head.  I go to take a drink with my handful of ibuprophen and seltzer EXPLODES in the bathroom. I am soaked, floor is soaked. 

My cramping, thirsty over tired ass is ready to punch a wall.

There is a lesson kids, even adults need supervision.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Thoughts at night

Only at 1:30 am does my brain get flooded with thoughts.

My doc note expires in a few days.

I can't go back to work until I can handle 25 to 30 hours a week.  But normally it will be more.  I know I can't do that yet. My job is not sitting. It's working out with adults, taking them to jobs sites and helping them do their jobs.

I barely manage to do needed daily stuff here, get the mail and shower.

I think I am going to have to take until next month to get my back fully healed. I can't reinjure on the job and I can't afford to loose my benefits...so close to work insurance...so...close...

All this has me anxious and scared.  Not wanting to baby this but also not wanting to push and mess myself up worse.

I'll call doctors tomorrow and get new appointments after I argue with insurance because they don't want to pay for specialists.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Insurance is for the rich

I just got another bill.  So my mandatory insurance took my entire tax return even though they forgot to give me a tax premium...somehow nys changed the rules and they charged me 700 dollars on top of the 300 a month for insurance that was accepted no where, and who covered nothing.

Then I got MVP and paid 500 a month.  For this I didn't receive a insurance card for 3 months. Had an emergency ER visit, a epidural inw hoection both denied because they were not "emergent"

So I can't walk, am desperate to get back to work, and have gone to the ER twice for pain that had my heart hammering like a marathon runner.

This insurance in America is set to kill off or keep disabled people in pain, create addicts that kill themselves trying to ease their pain.

insurance makes out like bandits, doctors make out like bandits and the disabled person wants towork, wants to pay their way, wants a nor all life is treated like a sponge to be milked until they give up.

This is why I am voting for a old white dude.  We need to treat each other as equals. We need to care for each other. We need to all feel like we are worthy productive members of society not pawns to move around just to make a buck.

High chronic

I'm awake at 4 am after being unable to sleep because my body was being a dick.  So I got up and decided a hot bath, good book and classical music would help.

I lay there with the scent of sea salt, pine and sage feeling the calendula oil softening my skin.  I was reading about tiny houses and a lady with congestive heart failure.  And I stared at my own hello kitty wrapped heart monitor that was buzzing endlessly alerting me that my heart was beating too fast for my body not to be moving.

I  ignored it because it along with every nurse that takes my vitals has alerted me my resting pulse is too high.  Then fell asleep.

I woke up to Beetovens 5th and a buzzy  on it or which I angrily chucked into a corner.

I drained the tub as the last of music faded and stood up.

Suddenly I was really hot and a mariachi band had taken residence in my chest and the guys were lit.

I slowly sank to the edge of the tub leaning my forehead against the cool ceramic.

"This isnt good for the engine! Its so hot you need to slow down" I reasoned with my heart.

I tried to stand and it promptly gave me the finger and I sank bare assed asked back to the edge of the tub.

I sat there, sucking air, fanning my face. wondering why we didn't have a fan...it's so hot...there should be fans in the bathroom.  I tried to fan myself again but more moving was not helping.

Not knowing get what else to do I said to  my geriatric who was watching impassive to my plight "Get help...we need an adult"

She stared dumbly and I tried to regroup.  I saw my heart rate monitor...mocking me...answer remember thinking "I promise I will keep you on if you don't let me die naked in my bathroom eaten by an old cat" 

Strapped on my monitor, no change.  But then suddenly I thought  "I have to put on clothes if I am going to die on the toilet" then slapped my ha do against the wall.

And then I slapped on the fan.  As the air cooled the sweat beaded on my back is could finally breathe. 

Slowly taking even breathes I put on my shirt, panted and fanned myself.  Then pants.   I must have sat in the bathroom for another 15 minutes, my heart monitor refused to stop buzzing but I stopped sweating.

Then stumbled to the fridge and CHUGGED a cold bottle of seltzer all the time internally chanting "Your heart has to slow down" as my monitor buzzed merrily on my wrist.

I was able to get to my bed and lie next to my cool mist humidifier  and finally felt my heart slow down ( postural tachycardia thy ass is grass!)

Safety lying in bed, monitor silent, wasps only a mild stinging down my back and legs. My bulldogs paws wrapped around me while he snored into my ear just like his dad making me laugh.

I'm documenting the fact that I found humor in what is a mild but daily issues of being chronically ill.  And I hope you can laugh too.  As I sit here listening to two male mammals making snores like cartoon characters, I think if I string enough stuff like this out I will be OK.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Today made of meh

Today was tough. Had a tough client, a surprise parent, and only got 5 hours of sleep.

Workout today felt like crap and I wanted moes queso and chips like a fat me wants nutty bars.

Instead got a tofu taco and did some laps in the restaurant. I don't know why today was so tough but it was and I want bed.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Another youtube thing

https://youtu.be/gjLR-tSgeZQ

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Friday, December 11, 2015

Kindness is not a great feat...

I thought a lot before writing this because I didn't want to seem like I was flapping a super hero cape. Rather I was reminded that we could use a reminder that these "immigrants" have stories, faces, and families.
So... This young 18 YO kid came into the outreach cemter today and only spoke spanish. Everyone was stumped and just shrugged him off. I went over said I spoke poor Spanish but could I help. Kid said he got here via Milwaukee, from El Salvador. His parents got him to the US alone because he is gay and they were terrified he would be hurt or worse. Both his brothers were dead from gang violence. He has no family here. He had a suitcase of clothes, a bunch of government forms and a bare studio apt shared with 2 other people that he had just met.

None of them had a bed, pots, pans, food, NOTHING. Common sense kicked in and I put together a huge list of agencies that would help him, then pulled laundry soap and some other stuff from my trunk; clothes Chris was going to donate, an old pot, a random fork and spoon I had in my backpack. 10 packs of ramen, a reusable grocery bag, a box of granola bars, some new hygiene stuff from my gym bag. And a clean towel from my gym bag. Then after finding out he hadn't eaten since yesterday, I gave him my lunch. Here is what amazed me. He was so happy someone was kind to him, he cried.

He cried because he had been here three days and I was the FIRST person who was kind to him. We exchanged emails and he agreed to keep me posted. Everyone was saying "Oh he is so lucky you were here, how nice were you, hope he appreciated it, it was very christian." Here is the thing, that mentality bothers me. How is it extraordinary? Someone is hungry? Here ... food. Cold? Here... blanket. Car broke down? Hop in. It's not something we should do because of "the season" or "religion" it's something we should do because everyone needs kindness and compassion at some point. We need to be kind and decent to each other.

 Chris wants to see if we cant give the kid some other stuff, but first we have to see what agencies will give him. The three kids need beds, a broom, soon winter gear.. here is a thought though..this kid has 2 roomates in the same situation. And more young alone scared kids from other countries in same situation. We won't give this kid money, and we have a rule of not giving money  to anyone..instead giving food or things they can use...But there are other kids like this one. Alone, scared, looking for someone to be kind. Chris and I are looking forward to taking this kid out for lunch in a month and hearing how he is doing. SO to all the immigrant kids alone, scared, and looking for one kind person we wish you the best, Syracuse is a good place full of lots of kind people and we hope you can be happy here. #dogood #compassion #kindnessiscontagious