Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Its really difficult to read sideways. You try to stack pillows or hold a book with onr hand. Truly it seems nothing works.

I can't even lie down and relax.

I know most people would say just close your eyes and relax! But see thats the problem. I have time to read I want to read, reading equals relaxing.

And now I have to lie down and well, lie there.

Lying on my left side, its said that all the organs line up perfectly. It also helps because my right side goes numb lying on it. The only thing to focus my mind on is ignoring the pain.

Searing, sharp, sudden squeezing of my chest and throat. An internal arguement. My body thinks its being poisoned and my stomach knows its being poisoned.

Pain is a sign that somethings wrong. Very wrong. Therefore eating Asian rice is wrong. Another entree to put my list of things that I should not eat.

Peering down I am sure to find hives. I hear the wheezing and feel the tightness becoming broader. It soon will encompass my entire chest and throat.

I let 2 ounces of Diphedrine HCI slide down my gullet and washed it down with a darvocet. So now? Well see all I can do now is wait.

And all I can do to pass the time is breathe or think of the pain. I know you should never focus on the pain. Yet I focus on it periodically to see if it is going away.

Soon the nausea will subside, the swelling will go down, the chest with uncoil and I will fall into unconsciousness.

If this is what death might feel like, I am not afraid of it. Like the most restful and relaxing of naps, maybe there will even be a way to read while lying on your side.

Yes, that would be heaven.