Monday, March 31, 2014

Klaude Wesley Armstrong

When is a picture more impressive that it seems?  

We caught Klaude in a feral cat trap.  While he did let me touch him, he had a slew of behavior issues.  He would only let us touch him on his head for about 3 seconds.  He would swipe and hiss as soon as we turned away from him, he his constantly, and would not sit near us.

 That was 6 months ago.

Each day I would brush him for 2 minutes going closer to his nether region and closer to his belly.

After 30 days he let me touch his belly

60 days he let me hold him

90 days he would come sit next to me and let me wipe his butt with wipes.

120 days he let me wipe his eyes and face

Now he lets me brush him, pick him up, wipe him bum, and sits next to me every chance he gets.  He even cuddles with his son who we rescued before him:

He explores and sleeps wherever he wants!  "Dad, find your own chair, I claim this one"

He sleeps with me every night.  "Whoa, who knew mattresses were so comfortable!"

He PLAYS now. He jumps and EXPLORES now.  He wakes me up with kisses on the nose and taps his paw on my nose to get me to pet him.

Yesterday he let me clip his claws and didn't try to go for the face.

Today he let me kiss his cheek without starting or being scared.

THAT is why the picture is so important.  He went from being afraid, sick, cold and alone to being a normal loving happy CAT.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Werk and being a wounded meat bag

So my "normal" work week is  thur, fri, sat, and Sun and is about 25 hours.  But almost every other week I get meetings, babysitting, dog training, and extra coverage tacked on and it ends up being closer to 30 hours a week.  Which is fine, because: money.  The thing that is not so great is that my huse begins to look like squatters live here, or that the animals have taken over and we are 2 mintues from a lord of the flies situation with the dog as king, the cats head on pikes and hubby in the corner eating fruit cocktail out of a can with a broken spork.

It takes me longer to do things.  Laundry, takes longer because sometimes my entire right side is numb or decides today is not a ___________ day (walking, grabbing, bending, lifting, being able to detect hot or cold) Every damn thing affects my body; dust, dander, rain, heat, cold, etc...add on that I am spening most of my work hours in my car driving, or in a house cleaning, or at a gym working out when I get home or have 2 days off I literally have to resist macrame-ing my ass into the couch and refusing to move.
I have been trying to do 6 days a week cardio and 3 days a week resistance training to keep my body loose and muscles in shape, strong core, and muscles means less chance of me falling down, straining something and not having a working skeleton to support me. (I am in general a walking meatbag with broken bones assembled inside)

So to people who think I can just work 40 hours, (because you do that, and have kids, and work out, and go out, and volunteer, and nurse baby squirrels back to health) I say I wish.

I enjoy working, I enjoy doing a job well, I enjoy being able to pay my bills, have insurance, and have a place to go where I am providing a service and doing it well.  I liked working so much I used to work 60 plus hours a week AND was a volunteer firefighter.

Now, I have to accept that my mind likes work but my body can't handle fulltime (It can't handle cheap beer and staying out until 1AM either)

Mix in being older, mix in anxiety, mix in being a shaken jenga puzzle covered in ground chuck, sealed in plastic wrap.

The mind is willing but the body gives life the finger.

But we endure, and I hope we can be kind, see things from all the angles and accept that for myself, and many other people living with Chronic diseases and disorder, there is always a will, but the body is in the way.

Be good to yourself,


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Jessica Polly Sally Levering

There are those people you meet. You don't get to spend a ton of time with them but you know that you will always hold a special place in your heart for them.  Jessica was one of those kids for me.  Jessica like myself had a chronic degenerative illness, unlike myself she had never known anything other than a life being sick.

I met her while working at the Westcott Community Center as a volunteer coordinator and teaching arts and crafts to the kids coming there.  Jess was one of those kids, and we bonded over our total love of animals, being less than healthy, and being devoted smart asses.

Jess didn't come in a lot, she was a young kid, so while I loved seeing her I didn't try to get overly involved in her life because she was a young kid, I was an adult it would be more than a little creepy to be saying "this is my 11 friend" as a 28 year old woman.  But I would see her out and grill her about our mutual interests, swap stories about animals, soak up her whip smart sense of humor, and laugh at her smart ass comments.

We were friends, with a unspoken kinship that was not obvious.  I remember one day going into work and sitting in the office, my migraine had gotten the best of me and I was throwing up in the office.  It had been the third day of throwing up for me and I was tired and in pain and on the verge of tears.

Jess walked in looked at me and said "Oh come on, at least you didn't crap your pants!"  I immediately started laughing, wiped my face cleaned puke off my shirt and said thanks.

I remember after a while she started high school, got a boyfriend and had more stuff she was doing, I had a new job, surgery, and my own health crap that took my entire attention and we fell out of touch.  I saw her infrequently and her dad often and made sure to ask about Jess and he would relay messages to me.

Today I found out Jess had cancer two years ago and had died.  Her dad had tried contacting me via an old cell and house number and Westcott email that no longer worked and assumed I moved. He said "I am so sorry, I wish I could have gotten in touch, I know she wanted to see you, I am so sorry."

I must have gone through all the stages of grief in about a minute and got stuck on anger.  Jess was a kid who I was excited to see what she was going to do.  In her too short life she proved being kind was always the best policy, laughter can make anything better, being funny is infinitely more important than being pretty (her words not mine, I used to joke that I was drag queen and therefore gorgeous) and that when life Jess quote "Gave you the shaft" you had a choice to make each day a good one, or sit in the dark crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

In short, Jess was just a awesome, cool, smart, funny kid who should have been around longer.

It feels like her life was like a short match, lit, burning bright, catching your attention then suddenly snubbed out by a dick known as cancer.  Not cool man, not cool (another Jess saying)

I only remember Jess being serious about being sick once.  We were sitting outside on a picnic bench at the WCC watching the kids play football.  One of the younger kids asked Jess to play and she said "I can't do that, but I will cheer for you!"  the kid smiled and walked away and I sat next to her not saying anything just enjoying the warm weather.  Suddenly she turned around and said "I know what they are thinking, you know. "  I asked her what she meant.  She said "I know I am sick, I know I might not going to grow up to be an old lady. This is not some BIG secret."  I asked why she was talking about it and she flapped her hands like it was not important and continued "I think about it, when I see those older girls in college, older girls in high school.  I try to think of myself being a college kid...I don't want to think about it, but I do."  I made some sappy remark about how no one knew how long they were going to live and that I could be hit by a car tomorrow or struck by lightening.  She laughed and said "Yeah, thats true, life can be *snaps her fingers*! but we may be OK you and I because we already got struck once! No waiting for something bad to happen, it happened, so deal with it."

This tiny person who never ceased to make me laugh, never ceased to call me out for being grumpy, and always showed nothing but kindness and humor was struck twice by lightening and that pisses me off.

I wish I could channel Jess right now and find something positive out of this but the truth is that this is a loss, it does not make sense and it doesn't seem fair. 

Jess was a friend, who had an illness but loved animals and had a sense of humor that gave me LIFE.  She believed in being kind, she believed in being smart, and she loved big and found enough to share with a person she barely got to spend time with, I feel lucky that I got to meet her and get to know her for the brief time she shared this world with us.

That said, screw the zombie apocalypse, the real apocalypse are these illnesses that are taking lives and doing it fast.  I think it is time to as Jess would say "Put on my big girl panties" and make a go of this Kind Outreach thing.  The last thing we need is another charity, but we need money for these charities.  Charities that help people with rare diseases.  When is the last time people donated as much money to a charity as they did Kickstarter for a Veronica Mars movie?  (Don't get me wrong I am stupid excited about that movie...but lets be real Diseases vs Movie, diseases should win)

So Jess, I am ticked off that you were taken off this planet, because this world needs more people like you, but I hope that you inspired people to be better, to do better, and to laugh often and be kind.

I know that what you did for me, and for that I am happy I knew you.  

Monday, March 24, 2014

The meltdown

So the thing that stopped my fitness before was illness and injury.  My current trainer/PT/LPN thinks that I may have overdone it because I didn't see instant results. 

So I was under strict orders, if I have a headache, I take it easier, if I am in pain, I take it easier, and I don't over do it to try and "compensate"

There is where the injury goes beyond working out too hard, it goes diet wise too.

Don't get it twisted, I will never "diet" again.  I am only following a few rules food wise:

1.  Half plate veggies.  If you fill up on veggies you are fuller longer and they have nutrients your body needs.

2.  Tea, Water, or nothing.  I cut out alcohol (except on special occasions) carbonated beverages, and fruit juice.  If I want juice I will eat a piece of fruit

3.  Say no to processed and GMO.  Will I ever cheat and have a donut? one yes, three NO.  Will I ever eat a Oreo cookie or an PopTart again? Probably not.  i found what those sugars do and besides NOT satisfying any craving, they are never as good as I think they are going to be.

4.  Drink before cheating.  I mean water or tea perverts.

5.  If you are going to eat something "bad" eat it before noon.  If I want a donut I am hiking my ass down the street before 10 AM and getting it local

I also have some working out guidelines like getting one day of "rest" or no heavy workout
daily abs for my back.
Looking to have clothes fit better and have more endurance, not to LOOK like anyone else.

Today I literally was vacuuming with a headache thought to myself  "I really need to stop, my head and shoulders are killing me" and it took the vacuum physically falling and smacking me in the head before I said aloud "Oh, I need to stop NOW!"

I took the rest of the day to prep a meatloaf, water plants, get a haircut, dye my hair, and walk to the library and I don't feel like I "wasted a day" or was 'lazy"  I was talking to my therapist about that feeling and how I was proud of myself, he joked "You must have trimmed off some stubborn too!"

It is probably the hardest part of being a "walking cripple" I may look fine and be dragging myself from trash can to trash can that day.  BUT hopefully I will be able to keep up my 24 hours a week job (maybe even afford insurance) and be OK for a little while until the next hurdle comes.  For now I have my health, my pets, and a husband.  We will say I am content, which is a milestone for me.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Social eating phobia

So I have anorexia/bulemia.  It comes from having the feeling that I could not eat in front of other people, then sneaking food when no one else it watching or when I was stressed or sad.  I've done this since I was in grade school and a school mate saw me eating a breakfast bar for breakfast and said "You are so fat, you should probably not eat anything"  After that I noticed thinner family members all staring at my obese mother eat and criticizing her choices.  So I began to only eat in front of ONE or TWO friends and never eating in public.

I remember junior and senior high until junior year when I discovered 3 hour workouts and old packets of my mom's diet pills.  I would eat my food in a stair well alone then go sit with my friends as they ate telling them I had to study.  I would wake up early, run for 2 hours on a treadmill in my basement, go to school, then come home and go to martial arts class, take 2 classes, then go to the gym and workout.  All while consuming about 600 calories a day.

NO ONE knew I was anorexic, not my friends not my parents, not even my doctor who even told me "I am so proud of your weightloss!"

I became a freshman in college and continued working out everyday but increased school work meant less time for 3 hour workouts.  Plus Sophmore year I started getting headaches, body aches, and  being super tired for no reason.

I ended putting on weight, and slowly the crappier I felt, the less I cared about how much I ate.  When I graduated I was a size 14. (previously I'd been an 11-12)

I went to New York to teach at a college and ended putting on more weight,  I moved to syracuse, started a gym member ship, got a trainer and got back to a 12.  Then I loved in with a woman and a baby and became basically a parent.  Soon I was back up to a 14.  After living on my own, joining the fire department and training for a 5K I was gone to a 10.  Then I started having blinding headaches, and my right arm kept getting weaker and weaker.  I was diagnosed with Syringomyelia and told "No more running, no more lifting, no more fire dept." I basically gave up working out and spent a year saying "screw it" and emotionally eating.  I bloomed up to a size 18.

I am still a size 18 but now I have a trainer who for the last 6 months has been working with me NOT to skip meals, learn to pace myself, and has me doing the right kind of fitness and resistance training so I won't hurt myself or aggravate my spinal cord injury.  It has been SLOW.  I am finally able to wear juniors size 20 and adults size 18, straight out of the dryer.  I am NOT on a diet.  I eat whatever I want, I just eat smaller portions, I snack, and I always make myself have a 1/2 plate of vegetables.  Also I am not allowed to eat alone, or after the sun goes down.

It is hard, it sucks, and I am not "cured" I don't know that I will ever be a size 14 again, but I know I want muscle and strength back.  And I will never look like a model, I wil only always lok like me, and I am OK with that.

Monday, March 17, 2014

End of days..."my weekend"

So since purchasing a new car (and then having pretty new car involved in a hit and run) I have gone from working 18 hours a week (happy doctor) to 27 hours a week (not happy doctor)

My schedule is as follows:

Thursday 8:30AM-12:30PM
Friday:  8:30AM-12:30PM
             2PM-3PM: Clean 40 gallon fish tank for another client from 4:30-6PM Laundry. 
             7PM-Midnight: Babysit occasionally.
Saturday: 8:30AM to 9:30AM Farmers Market/grocery/meat run. 
               10AM-3PM work with client.
               5PM-10PM take client to workout, do clients laundry, make him dinner.
Sunday:   2PM-10PM Take client for workout, Help client overhaul ENTIRE HOUSE, make menu for the week and grocery list, and make his lunch for the following day.

Which means Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have "off" for cleaning my own house, getting to doctor appointments, or getting to other appointments.

I am busy.  and being Immuno Suppressed and having a neurological disease that means I am possibly weak and hurting on a scale of 2-10 every day means I have to pace myself.  So today when a relative I normally try NOT to talk to decides to call me and lecture me because I posted that I was taking it easy today...I kinda snapped. This same relative taught me everything I had to unlearn about body dimorphism, shaming myself for being hungry, shaming myself for eating ANYTHING with calories in it, they are the main reason I can't eat in front of people, they are one of the main reasons that I used to perform and compete on injuries (like broken bones) and why I have permanently fucked up my bones and ligaments to the point where YOGA is a challenge.  So when they decide to "tease" me for being lazy and lecture me to "Use my time to tidy up my house for my husband" I kinda felt like punching a koala.  Just blatant, uncontrollable misplaced rage.

I work, and when I work, I work HARD.  As RuPaul says "I ain't got time for no half steppin!"

So when I am on my day off...does that mean I sit around eating chocolate and lying on my couch with a scratching stick?  no.  It means I still have to get up, take out the dog, clean the cat boxes, make the bed, tidy up, make brunch, plan dinner, sweep up, clean the toilet, brush the cats, and make a plan for cleaning the house.  BUT since I am also trying to recover from work I have to do it at a specific pace.

Typically I will clean cat boxes (I do this everyday, but overhaul on mondays) sweep, then sweep the entire house, then take a 15 min break.  Then I vacuum two big rooms, then take another break, then do the kitchen, then a break, then the bedroom and office.  After (you guessed it another break) I will start in the bathroom and mop, wipe down surfaces,  and mop hallway and kitchen.  Empty ut the mop bucket, take a break.  Then go and finish up, wipe down the kitchen, start dinner, put away laundry, and after each 30 minutes of activity, I take a break.  When I am cleaning my clients home, I am making them help me, so I don't take as long to clean the entire house.  MY house has 4 cats, and a dog all following me around wanting to know WHAT I am doing, and the dog wanting to be vacuumed, and thus getting in the way.

So, you clean and organize a house with what boils down to 5 kids following you around, add in weak arms, a bad back, and headaches that come and go.  It takes you longer!

So thanks for the "concern" but unless you are coming to my house to pick up a bucket and a mop, save your "help" for someone else.  I got this.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Things to do INSTEAD of buying your kid a bunny or chocolate on Easter.

I hate the holidays.  I truly do.  In our house growing up the holidays were about family coming into town, spending time eating together, laughing, going to see parades, and volunteering.

We usually did the Sunday Night supper, or a Soup kitchen.  We had gifts but they were small, reasonable.

So now easter is coming and I KNOW that people are revving up to buy tiny cute bunnies, kittens, and chickens knowing NOTHING about what to do with those animals when they become adults.

OR they get baskets that are as big as a smart car filled with tooth decaying, mind erasing, sugar crusted thing a ma bobs guaranteed to send their child into a frenzy of high blood sugar and tear inducing crashes.

How about we do something else?

I am going to share with you some ideas of what to do on easter besides buy things.

1.  Go to church.  ANY church.   How about some fellowship?  community? learn some folklore about Christians and how they stole this pagan holiday?

2.  Volunteer.  Dog shelter, Cat Shelter, HEY BUNNY SHELTER.  Hospital, children's home, homeless shelter.  ANY FREAKING place that has people who didn't get a basket the size of a smart car!

3.  Take an lonely person out to lunch.  Everyone has that neighbor or relative who has no one to come and take them out on a holiday.  ADOPT THEM.  Take them into your home, give them a sense of being with family.  Open your hearts and arms to someone who has no one. *** EDIT:  We are currently seeking out a person without a family to adopt and feed.  Applications can be sent to keenjoy at gmail dot com ***

4.  Learn something.  My Nana and I always went to the Science museum or the Art Museum on holidays.  (This was after our shift at the soup kitchen) we even went and saw movies together during holidays at the old black and white or the "art" cinema downtown.  She is a lifelong learner so any chance to cram some learning into my head, she did it.

5.  Go for a walk.  Even if it is in the mall, get some damn exercise!  My husband and I always do a family walk with our dog.  If it is nice we take him on a hike, HE LOVES IT.  Then we force him to wear bunny ears and pose for a picture.  No pain no gain.

SEE?  5 options noe of them involve buying hordes of chocolate or buying a cute little baby bunny that you will probably be trying to get rid of in 6 months.

And because you read this far here is your reward:

Monday, March 10, 2014

Judging someone with Chronic Illness

I have Syringomyelia.  It is like an evil entity that randomly decides "Today it he day when you will fall down the stairs, or today is the day you will puke while getting your mail"  It is a evil vindictive disease that punishes your body for trying to be normal.  In reality  

Syringomyelia is:(sear-IN-go-my-EEL-ya) is a disorder in which a cyst forms within the spinal cord.  This cyst, called a syrinx, expands and elongates over time, destroying a portion of the spinal cord from its center and expanding outward.  As a syrinx widens it compresses and injures nerve fibers that carry information from the brain to the extremities.  Damage to the spinal cord often leads to progressive weakness in the arms and legs, stiffness in the back, shoulders, arms, or legs, and chronic, severe pain.  Other symptoms may include headaches, a loss of the ability to feel extremes of hot or cold (especially in the hands), and loss of bladder and other functions.  Each individual experiences a different combination of symptoms depending on where in the spinal cord the syrinx forms and how far it extends.  Signs of the disorder tend to develop slowly, although sudden onset may occur with coughing or straining.
It is a chronic illness.  And when you are chronically ill, people  seem to harbor intense scrutiny and anger toward you.  The overall feelings seem to be "If you just took better care of yourself" or "If you just toughened up" or "You think you have problems?  I have old age/cancer/no leg/arthritis/insert disease here"

People with chronic illness would trade ANYTHING not to have them,  Having Syringomyelia is not a badge of honor.  How anyone would think that I prefer spending a minimum of one day a week carrying around a bucket to puke in, or spending 60 dollars a month on medications, or having to tell my nieces that Aunt KJ can't lift them up? Or spending an entire day in bed with a towel over my eyes and an ice pack on my chest, IN JANUARY is my idea of a good time?

I tell them, what drugs are YOU on? 

As for the cancer argument (yes I actually had someone say, you should be happy you don't have cancer) There are treatments, and sometimes even cures for cancer.  My father and brother and Uncle died of cancer, my Nana had breast cancer, CANCER SUCKS...FUCK CANCER.  That said, when people get cancer no one tells them DAILY to buck up and be tough.

I also hear the argument "I have a friend who has NO ARMS and she works 40 hours a week!"  or "My friend is in a wheelchair and he works 35 hours from his house!"

How many times do I have to say that ME having a chronic degenerative disease does not UNDERMINE another persons disability?

Its not a god damn competition!

I "look" healthy.  I work 25 hours a week, I try not to bitch and complain too much, but often I feel like people need to know "today is a shit day, I am hurting, there will be no productivity"  I don't say it to get sympathy or attention, I say it so that people may possibly understand that Chronic Illness is a tempermental testy bitch of a disease and comes on for NO reason.  I have tried every diet, every supplement, every medication to make me "normal" I went from being a firefighter who worked 50 hours a week to being a person who can barely eek through yoga and  daily walks and works 25 hours a week.  NO ONE IN ThEIR RIGHT MIND CHOOSES TO BE THIS WAY.

I know opinions are like assholes and everyone has them.  I hear people say "If you stopped eating meat you would be better, If you got rid of your pets you would be better, if you  used essential oils you would be better, rub dirt and beer on it and you will be better"

Know that I have CAREFULLY made all my choices and work every day to attempt to be the best version of myself.  No one with chronic illness is helped by being told your non medical, non expert based personal opinion of how to "get better"  If we all spent that energy on trying to be a better version of ourselves instead of constantly judging other people think what we would accomplish.

On that note, I am off to take my ABD Kayne Michael for a short walk because it is the HIGHLIGHT of my day.  He is my non judgmental, always willing to snuggle, completely loyal dog who never judges mommy for carrying around a puke bucket, or daddy for following mommy around with a shop vac.

Hug your kids and pets.


Friday, March 07, 2014

Happy Spouse Happy House?

So much stress when making a huge decision like buying a new car.  I have been researching and looking at cars to replace our Jeep.  We have a down payment of 3,000 bucks and a trade in valued at 1200 bucks.  We found a 2010 Toyota Yaris for 10,000 (incl tax title, license, registration, and extended warranty which includes yearly detailing, monthly car washes and low cost oil changes.  Chris is upset about it costing 200 a month but I am taking on another job to make an extra 300 a month to cover car and insurance premiums.  Also since it is summer I have the chance to make some bank doing coverage for people who want to go on vacation.

I wanted to touch on the whole stressed spouse issue.  We all deal with stress differently.  I grew up in a house where I was constantly the one having to be an adult whenever my Grandmother had to work (which was a LOT)  my mother was like the older sister, my brother was chronically in trouble and the rest of our family lived far away.  Thus, if we wanted dinner, I cooked, bills had to be paid? I made it happen.  I have bee working some form of a job since I was 12 babysitting every weekend, Nanny jobs every summer, farm and ranch jobs every vacation, and part time working all through high school and 30 hours a week in college.  Because of that I have bought 4 cars for my family over the years.  I know how to research cars, I know what we do and do not need.

That said when other people were going to house parties and going on road trips, I was working.  I got to travel, but the way I traveled was by having a job, internship, project.

So once I had to pare back to ONE job, then part time I found myself with TIME.  Time is a funny thing, too much of it and you try to fill it.  Hearing others talk about how they don't have enough makes you want to cram it full of activity.  When you have a chronic disease and a majority of time is spend lying in a dark room heaving into a bucket you get anxious.

Time may not be money, but it is fucking valuable. 

So when people drag their feet, I understand.  When I have to drag my feet I freak out.  Tomorrow might entail 16 hours of fighting off nausea and trying to find buckets to be nauseous in. 

So I find myself almost homicidal angry when I am ready to do something, making a smart decision and have people dragging their feet because they are being what appears to ME as being overly cautious.  More than that when they refuse to consult people who know things about the subject and are basing their actions on how they feel or what a friend "feels" (Friends whom have zero gorram knowledge of the subject)

THIS is where happy spouse happy house comes in.  Its about letting people come to terms with their feelings on decisions (even if you think feelings have nothing to do with it) its about letting family vent to toher family, and letting your spouse come around to buying a car on their own. 

In my case it is about backing the fuck off, letting him talk to his brother, best friend, gas station attendant, and anyone else who will help him come to grips with his feelings.

Its about loving someone enough to step back, sometimes it is enough.  Sometimes you will get ulcers or chew a hole in your tongue or have chronic visions of stabbing them in the leg with an ice pick.  But rage fades, and you remember WHY you love them when they do something like dance with the dog, or let the cat smell their stinky feet.

So this spouse may not especially be happy, but that spouse is getting there and marriage is about compromise and avoiding manslaughter charges.

Hopefully he will not use him brother as an expert for cars and listen to every expert who has advised us to buy the car we are financed for.  Or better yet, trust his wife and her arsenal of knowledge and research.  Off to boil a small mammal for ritual sacrifice.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Its time to review random crap! Donna Michelle Salon Basics Nail Polish Stickers (Dollar Tree)

So I am a fan of nail art, I have a tub of nail stuff and like to keep my nails pretty.  But polish chips like CRAZY.  So the only thing that seems to spend any real time on my nails are foils and nail stickers.

So when at the dollar store with my client I see a bunch of nail stickers "Donna Michelle Salon Basics Nail Polish Stickers"  Thinking aw fuck it they are a dollar, I bought some.

Last Sunday during the day I put them on, took about 20 minutes because I am a perfectionist. After they were on I hit them for about 10 seconds with the hair dryer, and slapped some Nail Effect top coat on them.

Then the next day waited for them to peel off, and they didn't

It is now Thursday night, and I have applied one other top coat to the nail decals, and they are STILL on my nails.  I have cleaned, cooked, washed, showered, scrubbed floors, planted seeds, peeled garlic, chopped onions, EVERYTHING.  They are not chipping, not other words they have no signs of coming off.

so far, no dice.  And they are kind cute too!

I am definitely going to go back and pick up a few more packs, just for fun.  Its nice to have a manicure once a week that has some staying power.  plus they have the pet wipes there that I use on Klaude that work GREAT and don't hurt his delicate bootie.

New review: Pet Wipes.  Tested y the dog, the cat, and inadvertently by my husband.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Take this teen sciene fair questionarre. Try not to be a smart ass, like myself.

A friends teen daughter sent me a questionnaire for her science report.  I actually thought it was interesting!  If you want to help her out you can send it to me and I will forward it to her.  ( I won't read it because....I don't care.  But I attached MY answers to be transparent.

Gender: Carebear...what? FINE a FEMALE Carebear.

Age: 36 (31-42)

BMI:  um....high?  I honestly do not know, I don't really worry about my BMI or weight, bigger fish to fry....

Real Weight:   201 lbs as of 2 weeks ago.

Instructions: This test must stay anonymous so please do not write your name anywhere. Fill out each question honestly please. Also for the bubbled Questions please change your answer into a different color than black. Good Luck!  Wait, there were bubbles?  Why didn't I get BUBBLES!?

1. When you eat does it make you happy?  a) Yes, if it isn't tasteless or burnt to shit.

2. Do you eat more when you are happy or sad?
Neither, I eat when I am hungry.

3. Do you ever feel sad after you eat?
b) No

4. Are you scared to gain weigh? Yes, because my mother weighs close to 700 pounds.  Morbid obesity frightens me.

5. Does stress make you eat more? no, not more just different foods.

6. Are you worried about your weight all the time? Not all the time.

7. Do your family/Friends affect your eating habits? Yes, they tend to watch what I eat and always question "Why are you big when you don't eat bad?"

8. When you were a child, were you ever made fun of because of how you look? ALWAYS, kids are dicks.  I wish I had been able to see myself now and enjoy my body as it was, instead of trying to make it into something else.  I was so damn cute, I am still cute, but when I was a kid whoo doggie!

9. Please describe your daily diet.
AM:  1/2 bagel with cream cheese or 1 cup of cereal or 1 cup almond milk/almond milk with protein powder and coffee, depends...Today I had 1 cup sliced potatoes fried with 3 pieces of paper thin pancetta.
Early noon: Yogurt/Apple/small slice of cheese...depends.  Today I had sliced green peppers with ranch dressing.

Noon: Small leftovers (usually about a cup of food, hot tea, water) Today was spaghetti.
Dinner: 1 cup various produce, 1 cup salad/other vegetables, 1 cup whatever else I want (tonight it was ice cream)
PM snack with meds: piece of toast, 2 graham crackers, a small apple, a small yogurt, depends...

10. Do you do any type of dieting? Not really... If anything I just do small portions of whatever I want.

11. Are you apart of the online group called ‘Weight watchers’? If you are does it help you?  Hell no, I grew up going to those with my mother and having them all tell me "Now you mustn't even get fat like her!"

12. How would you describe your relationship with food? I love food.  I love cooking it, I like trying new things, I don't waste my time eating crap (unless it is HEAVENLY crap like Girl Scout Cookies). And I don't believe in restriction what you eat, just HOW much and trying to keep in mind moderation and balance.

13. Are you in a functional relationship currently?
a) Yes, wait...define "functional"...yes.

14. Have you ever lost a loved one? Several  Do you think this is a reason for your eating habits? Nope.  I don't eat when I am stressed. I eat to live.

15. Do you have any health problems because of your eating problems? Nope. blood pressure perfect, cholesterol perfect, blood sugar perfect...

16. Does eating ever make you have Hateful thoughts towards yourself? EATING does not, but seeing thin people eating massive amounts of food or saying "I survive on sunlight and lemons"  THOSE make me feel angry.  Pictures though, sometimes I will see pictures of myself and think "Ugh just go on a water diet"

17. D you often do outside activity? I have a dog, we call it "potty"

18. Do you watch a lot of television or admire models? I watch a lot of Drag Race.. and wish I looked like RuPaul...

19. Have you ever wished to look like someone other than yourself? See above.

20. Last question! If you could no longer access your favorite/Luxury food what would you do?  There are starving people in Zimbabwaye, I'd suck it up and feel lucky I was not living in a zombie filled apocalypse world.

Its a conundrum...

So once again, we are back to "Just drive the Jeep"  If I have no vehicle by Thursday, I am fired.  Not "taking a leave of absence" not "taking a break" not "driving the Jeep" FIRED.

I called my boss today, her first question?  "did you get rid of the Jeep?"

No, no we did not, correction. No HE did not.  Said Piling bucket of sh*t parts is currently parked in front of our house.

I like my job, I am GOOD at my job, I am going to get FIRED from my job and then he can keep the damn Jeep because I won't need it to go anywhere.

Granted we also won't have money for rent, food, or anything else.  But he will get to keep his Jeep and  won't have to put on his big boy panties and go LOOK at better cars.

I am not sure any way other than smacking him upside the head with a large phone book (wait, dammit everything is digital now) to make him understand WE NEED A NEW CAR.  Just because something drives does not make is 1. Safe. 2. Reliable or 3. Fiscally responsible.  Somehow I can not get it into his head that buying a car (even though it is really scary) is something that has to happen.

Well I may end up using my 1,000 check for bus fare or rent at this rate.  Damn I am eloquent when blind with rage.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Mom the Serial Hobby Mom.

So I have decided we will no longer speak of vehicles unless it is my lawyer plea bargaining for my voluntary manslaughter charge.

I digress.

So Friend and I were discussing hobbies.  My mother was asking me if I wanted her mineatures.  I said no because...I hate the life size shit I have, I do not want tony replicas.  Additionally? cats.

So when we were discussing hobbies I began to wax on about the numerous hobbies my mother has involved herself in through out her life.  I found myself amazed that I was not a hoarder with 50 cats.

So here goes the grand list:

Tropical Fish
Dressing up bears
Magic the gathering
Oil Painting
Iris Bulbs
Vegetable gardening
Gem, rock, and minerals
Golden Retrievers
Scrap booking
Rubber stamps
EDIT:  I keep remembering more as I am sitting here:
African Violets
Dollar store cermic cats
Pressing Wild FLowers
Wolf Rescues and wolves
Keep in mind, when my mother decides to start a hobby she goes big or goes home.  THEN when she is sick of that hobby, things either get boxed up, or given away.  Some of these hobbies were SUPER expensive.  I just thank god she never got into race cars, or building hobby planes or models because SH*T.
BUT looking back on this I realize I became a somewhat serial hobbyist too, but once I got really good at something, I quit because it was boring.  This must have been how my mother felt.  My mother is SUPERBLY intelligent.  We are talking SCARY CRAZY RAIN MAN SMART.

That said, if you gave my mother 20 bucks and said "Here is money for food" She would go to McDonlads, or a gourmet store and buy one days worth of food from a deli.  If you say "Mom, that was for three meals" she would stare at you and say "how can I eat three meals on 20 dollars?"  So As a younger kid going on roadtrips with my spend happy go lucky mother was super fun.  When I went to college and was drinking hot water with my own smuggled tea bag and had to hand over my credit card to cover my mother having ordered 50 dollars worth of food at a restaurant...I began to see things differently.

So now? I am frugal.  I mean FRUGAL.  I learned to change my own oil, I learned to do medical things, I taught myself to fix things, buy quality, and maintain things.  AND I learned to really consider your hobbies before you start them and learn what is truly valuable.

As far as being a serial hobbyist?  I am over that noise.  My hobbies are cooking for my family and reading with the occasional rubber stamping and baby hat knitting thrown in to keep my skills sharp.  I have plants, but they don't take over my house, and my craft box is small enough to fit into a tiny closet.

So for all the craziness of a life filled with serial craft and interests, there was a valuable lesson learned.

Need a Fucking car, any fucking car!

I feel I need the word FUCKERY tattooed somewhere on my body because when I am upset or enraged it is my go to curse.  In regards to shopping for a car, EPIC FUCKERY.  So our family owns cattle, and has recently flipped a house for a LOT of money. HOWEVER that money is in a trust and is being used to pay for my Grandmother and Mother to live in South Dakota and Minnesota respectively.  SO any of "my share" of said cow or real estate is being used to generate interest, interest enough to keep my Nana in bird seed and mother in wet cat food.

So when I asked my family if they would please help me out with money for a car, they lovingly send me 1,000 (or several years interest on trust money) I didn't WANT to take this money.  Because whenever you take money off of a investment, the interest goes down.  SIGNIFICANTLY.  But we need a damn car and I can only work 20 hours a week because my body is made of rusty twine and brittle rubber bands.  My husband's family also said they would give us 2,000 as a late wedding present (which is kind because we eloped)  so selling my heirlooms (500, bye bye family silver), cashing in my interest from what was SUPPOSED to be my retirement (1,000) Wedding present (2,000) and selling our Jeep (400) then waiting for the IRS (1200) means we have a down payment of about 5100 dollars.

SO with my termite infested bones and shaken Jenga spine, I have been searching for vehicles.

I have found:
Toyota Corolla "06, 4 cyl, 165,890 miles, 32/41 MPG, FWD  $7600.00

Honda Civic, 05, 4 cyl, 130,000, 29/38MPG, FWD,  $4800.00

Toyota Prius 06, 4cyl, 85,000 miles, 50/51 MPG (WhAT?!) FWD,  $9,990.00

Toyota Prius 07, 4cyl, 90,000 miles, 51/51 MPG (WITCHCRAFT!) FWD, $10,990

Not going to lie, that 06 Prius is calling my name.  But husband keeps saying "DEATHBOX!!!!"  I just think he doesn't want to look like a hippy driving around in a prius, drinking Kombucha with his recycled pants.  But get serious, I am a hippie driving around drinking Kombucha wearing recycled pants. 

He really wants a "bad ass" car or a "man truck" but we can't afford to have a "man car" we need high mileage, reasonable payment, and reliable.  So If the Mazda 3 with its horrible engine issues had a baby with a toyota Prius, what car would that be?  Because we need to find that car, and for under 10,000.

I have become religated to the fact that whenever I bring up looking at and or purchasing a vehicle Chris turtles up and goes back into his man cave to pout and scowl into the darkness.  Alas it is up to me to go put on my "big girl pants" recycled big girl pants, and go find a gorram car.


I honestly am thankful that we never had a child other than our dog because dealing with two teenagers would lead me to commit homicide (Yes, I just refereed to my husband as a teenager, no I regret nothing)

When life throws its wrenches in the air, and they come raining down in a shit storm onto the debacle that is my life I find it doens't really help to curse the wrenches and wax angrily about how it ALWAYS rains wrenches on  ME and no one else.  Fuckery.  Pick that shit up, Put that shit away, tuck in your tail and FIX THAT SHIT!

Bad things happen.  I know for a fact waiting for other people to solve your problems will NEVER solve your problems.

*sigh*  Alright.  I am going to go and look at more cars.  Maybe Chris would accept a toyota Corolla or Camry over a Prius.  See? I can compromise Gorram It!  However nice a Prius will be, I will just have to pretend in my mind that it is the car I am driving.

See?  I told you...FUCKERY.

These are my top three picks thus far.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Master Procrasterbater

Despite having been awake at the butt crack of dawn otherwise known as 6AM I am incredibly lethargic today. 

This AM my wonderful neighbors took me to the Farmers Market, Lombardis, Mediterranean Deli, Dominicks meat market, and Nichols Grocery.

OK now that I write that down I am thinking maybe it was NOT such a waste of a day, on top of that trip I made the bed so BOO-YEAH!

I love the farmers market.  I have friends who work at the farmers market.  I am very particular in whom I buy things from when at the Farmers Market, and I trust my neighbor implicitly.  SO I have no gorram explanation for HOW THE HELL I managed to spend 20 dollars on three pounds of beef.

I normally go to Longhorn Farms, get one beef tongue and 3 pounds of ground chuck and if they have it summer sausage.  Grass fed, free range, organic.  Normally about 3 bucks a pound for chuck, 4 bucks a pound for tongue. 

However today I was separated from my neighbor, and on my own, and when telling my friend I was there to buy meat for the next 2 weeks friend (unnamed for their protection) said "HEY! Buy from these people!  they just started selling here!"

Here is where I stop to tell you I am NOT good in social situations.  Avoid buying a car? I can do that, Avoid getting buffed and sprayed by a drive by mall kiosk? professional aversion here.  But when being introduced by a friend to another friend to buy something I was technically looking for (but cheaper dammit!)  I froze.  So when they asked me what I wanted, I said "Um, do you have tongue?"  and they did!  ONE...a 3 pound one... for 12.50.  So what does my dumb ass do?  buys it.  I start to walk away panicked thinking "OK I will just skip buying butter, and get the ground at Longhorn" when my friend says "Didn't you say you needed groundbeef?"

SO much anger. I want to punch this friend in their smiling windpipe.

But no, I smile and say "Yeah, I wanted ground..." before I can finish, lady plops a 2 pound bag of ground beef  and says "8 bucks!"

Stuttering, I hand over a 20 and mentally calculate which personal blood/organs I can peddle at one of the shadier venders in the barns further down.

I have NO IDEA how this happened.  I came home with Squash, Cream Cheese, Bagels, lard (yes lard, don't judge) apples, chocolate chip cookies, Pancetta, Parmesean, and tomato sauce. All of which I was pleased to have, happy to have found.  Then I see the giant frozen beef tongue and tiny bundle of ground beef.  I chucked it into the freezer and slammed the door for good measure.  Only to have the doorbounce bag and smack me right in the face.

The only logical reaction ensued. Me screaming "FUCKING COW!" to a freezer of beef parts.

I turned around to find my husband, both boy cats, and the dog staring wide eyed at me.  After saying "WHAT!?" and stomping into the bedroom to change I began to feel like I had overreacted.

After all, I was introduced the the worlds BEST GOD DAMN BACON in the world today by a tiny italian man, who gave me a 1/4 pound "Gratis" because I was "so cute" damn right I am cute, especially for free bacon!

I got my husband his favorite cookies that reminded him of his childhood and satisfied my own need for farm fresh cream cheese and home made bagels.

Came home, hammered out a few pages of my grad paper before my brain light went dim, then made lunch.  Bagel sammies with Farm Fromage, Pancetta, and runny egg.

I call that a successful damn day.  Especially for a self professed vampire and it was damn bright out today.

Thus I close, more tomorrow, probably not.  We have to go play at being adults and look at cars.

May you all have dark hello kitty sunglasses on bright early days, and not be forced into buying exspensive fucking cow parts (fucking cow)