Sunday, March 23, 2014

Social eating phobia

So I have anorexia/bulemia.  It comes from having the feeling that I could not eat in front of other people, then sneaking food when no one else it watching or when I was stressed or sad.  I've done this since I was in grade school and a school mate saw me eating a breakfast bar for breakfast and said "You are so fat, you should probably not eat anything"  After that I noticed thinner family members all staring at my obese mother eat and criticizing her choices.  So I began to only eat in front of ONE or TWO friends and never eating in public.

I remember junior and senior high until junior year when I discovered 3 hour workouts and old packets of my mom's diet pills.  I would eat my food in a stair well alone then go sit with my friends as they ate telling them I had to study.  I would wake up early, run for 2 hours on a treadmill in my basement, go to school, then come home and go to martial arts class, take 2 classes, then go to the gym and workout.  All while consuming about 600 calories a day.

NO ONE knew I was anorexic, not my friends not my parents, not even my doctor who even told me "I am so proud of your weightloss!"

I became a freshman in college and continued working out everyday but increased school work meant less time for 3 hour workouts.  Plus Sophmore year I started getting headaches, body aches, and  being super tired for no reason.

I ended putting on weight, and slowly the crappier I felt, the less I cared about how much I ate.  When I graduated I was a size 14. (previously I'd been an 11-12)

I went to New York to teach at a college and ended putting on more weight,  I moved to syracuse, started a gym member ship, got a trainer and got back to a 12.  Then I loved in with a woman and a baby and became basically a parent.  Soon I was back up to a 14.  After living on my own, joining the fire department and training for a 5K I was gone to a 10.  Then I started having blinding headaches, and my right arm kept getting weaker and weaker.  I was diagnosed with Syringomyelia and told "No more running, no more lifting, no more fire dept." I basically gave up working out and spent a year saying "screw it" and emotionally eating.  I bloomed up to a size 18.

I am still a size 18 but now I have a trainer who for the last 6 months has been working with me NOT to skip meals, learn to pace myself, and has me doing the right kind of fitness and resistance training so I won't hurt myself or aggravate my spinal cord injury.  It has been SLOW.  I am finally able to wear juniors size 20 and adults size 18, straight out of the dryer.  I am NOT on a diet.  I eat whatever I want, I just eat smaller portions, I snack, and I always make myself have a 1/2 plate of vegetables.  Also I am not allowed to eat alone, or after the sun goes down.

It is hard, it sucks, and I am not "cured" I don't know that I will ever be a size 14 again, but I know I want muscle and strength back.  And I will never look like a model, I wil only always lok like me, and I am OK with that.

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