SO I gathered my shoebox full of random slips of paper. Gathered my calculator and went on Tax cut to fill in my 2008 taxes.
Thinking this would take at leas an hour if not longer I was set with snacks, a cat, blanket, music, even a slinky.
20 minutes and 1,000 bucks later I was not only done but transferring my 401K over to a new 401K that would allow me to actually keep adding money to it!
It saved my copy of this year and last years Taxes, I immediately burned them to a disc and stuffed them into my shoebox.
I then rewarded myself with 2 episodes of "Private Practice" the crappiest show on ever and I love it.
KJ
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
New Bough on the Money tree
SO I did my taxes. I should get about 800 bucks back.
I have a loan I am going to pay off.
With whats left over I am going to put some in savings, get one pair of jeans, two pairs of plugs (wood) a kilo of henna (from Henna Sooq to last the year and its 60% cheaper than buying small quantities every month when I get paid)
I am also getting my scootie puff junior back on the road so I can take it to work, the library, the store, and around the neighborhood.
I need to renew my motorcycle insurance (50 bucks) and get my license (75 bucks)
Also my Scootie puff might need some work done later, but I am going to have my friend Adam take a look at it down the street.
Viva Spring!
KJ
I have a loan I am going to pay off.
With whats left over I am going to put some in savings, get one pair of jeans, two pairs of plugs (wood) a kilo of henna (from Henna Sooq to last the year and its 60% cheaper than buying small quantities every month when I get paid)
I am also getting my scootie puff junior back on the road so I can take it to work, the library, the store, and around the neighborhood.
I need to renew my motorcycle insurance (50 bucks) and get my license (75 bucks)
Also my Scootie puff might need some work done later, but I am going to have my friend Adam take a look at it down the street.
Viva Spring!
KJ
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Who would do this for you?
So as some people know I am sick. I have Fibromyalgia, Syringomyelia, Chronic Inflammatory Chondritis, and now apparently nerve damage in my hands and feet as well as the beginnings of arthritis.
To fight the symptoms of the host of conditions I have they have be on a neural uptake inhibitor that makes my brain stop neural pulses so I don't have searing pain in my hands and feet by the end of the day. It is a medication that they use for people with epilepsy but works great for me. It also stops me from having 9 out of 10 migraines that used to make me vomit uncontrollably.
They have me on serotonin inhibitors to lower the doses of pain receptors to the brain so my body doesn't register the amount of pain I am in. Thus I am strictly forbidden to do yard work, exercise, or strenuous labor without someone who knows my condition assisting me. I could and have hurt myself.
I am also on a non narcotic pain management system to manage arthritis pain and it makes me a little tired but not tired enough not to work or create, that is good. I am actually back to drawing, writing and publishing stories again. Which is great because I have a cellphone bill to pay.
Well for about 8 weeks my sister and my fiance had to follow me around with a shop vac. I was vomiting, crapping my pants, and peeing myself (sometimes in the car, other times in the store) and I was too weak to change myself or clean up the mess. So my sister or my fiance would without complaint clean up the mess. Sometimes I would cry and my two little nephews would come up and rub my back and hug me despite me smelling like feces or urine and say "Its OK Aunt KJ everybody has accidents!"
Once my nephew brought "Everybody poops" up from downstairs climbed into bed with me and read it to me. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.
He reminded me about the time I woke up to him throwing up in my bed. I said "Your were 2 buddy, you didn't mean to..." he stopped me and said "It was an accident right?" I shut up after that.
Crash hasn't had to clean up vomit in 5 months. We are both very pleased that the uncontrolled vomiting and releasing of bowels without warning has stopped. I feel much better not having to wear adult diapers. Crash was a trooper. We were thinking that the worst was coming REALLY REALLY early and it turned out that I had a terrible bug that had done a number on my system and they had to completely reset my immune system.
I thought the syringo had finally ruined my bowel and bladder control and the vomiting was just a nasty side effect.
Our New Dr. Chioma helped us through the whole thing and even though he wasn't our doc anymore Dr Copola called the hospital each time I was there to check on me and called my house when I was home to find out how I was. He and Dr. Chioma talked many times during their quest on how to treat me before resorting to reset my system.
That was no fun.
Two rounds of Flagyll and Diflucan later I was no longer vomiting. I had to take probiotics and eat soy yogurt (yeck!) for 3 weeks but I felt MUCH better.
Now I am back on my normal regimen and havn't had any problems.
My point?
Who would do this for you?
To fight the symptoms of the host of conditions I have they have be on a neural uptake inhibitor that makes my brain stop neural pulses so I don't have searing pain in my hands and feet by the end of the day. It is a medication that they use for people with epilepsy but works great for me. It also stops me from having 9 out of 10 migraines that used to make me vomit uncontrollably.
They have me on serotonin inhibitors to lower the doses of pain receptors to the brain so my body doesn't register the amount of pain I am in. Thus I am strictly forbidden to do yard work, exercise, or strenuous labor without someone who knows my condition assisting me. I could and have hurt myself.
I am also on a non narcotic pain management system to manage arthritis pain and it makes me a little tired but not tired enough not to work or create, that is good. I am actually back to drawing, writing and publishing stories again. Which is great because I have a cellphone bill to pay.
Well for about 8 weeks my sister and my fiance had to follow me around with a shop vac. I was vomiting, crapping my pants, and peeing myself (sometimes in the car, other times in the store) and I was too weak to change myself or clean up the mess. So my sister or my fiance would without complaint clean up the mess. Sometimes I would cry and my two little nephews would come up and rub my back and hug me despite me smelling like feces or urine and say "Its OK Aunt KJ everybody has accidents!"
Once my nephew brought "Everybody poops" up from downstairs climbed into bed with me and read it to me. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.
He reminded me about the time I woke up to him throwing up in my bed. I said "Your were 2 buddy, you didn't mean to..." he stopped me and said "It was an accident right?" I shut up after that.
Crash hasn't had to clean up vomit in 5 months. We are both very pleased that the uncontrolled vomiting and releasing of bowels without warning has stopped. I feel much better not having to wear adult diapers. Crash was a trooper. We were thinking that the worst was coming REALLY REALLY early and it turned out that I had a terrible bug that had done a number on my system and they had to completely reset my immune system.
I thought the syringo had finally ruined my bowel and bladder control and the vomiting was just a nasty side effect.
Our New Dr. Chioma helped us through the whole thing and even though he wasn't our doc anymore Dr Copola called the hospital each time I was there to check on me and called my house when I was home to find out how I was. He and Dr. Chioma talked many times during their quest on how to treat me before resorting to reset my system.
That was no fun.
Two rounds of Flagyll and Diflucan later I was no longer vomiting. I had to take probiotics and eat soy yogurt (yeck!) for 3 weeks but I felt MUCH better.
Now I am back on my normal regimen and havn't had any problems.
My point?
Who would do this for you?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Medical drama
So, I am feeling a little angsty. Crash and I finally have medicaid and Medical care for my tumor. We now have enough food stamps and Heat assistance that we can take care of most cost of utilities.
But we just got our list for unpaid and uncovered medical bills...
1,050.00 on my visa
425.00 from the hospital on collections
I think but am not sure there is another collections agency after me from North medical but I think they are going to lower their fee soon.
So gaping total: 1,475.00
Yeah. I was just celebrating being paid off of my 3500.00 student loan.
Being sick really sucks.
But we just got our list for unpaid and uncovered medical bills...
1,050.00 on my visa
425.00 from the hospital on collections
I think but am not sure there is another collections agency after me from North medical but I think they are going to lower their fee soon.
So gaping total: 1,475.00
Yeah. I was just celebrating being paid off of my 3500.00 student loan.
Being sick really sucks.
Natural skin care for Eczama
So if you have skin like mine it is dry but prone to break out.
Nice right? So going through adolescence I tortured my skin trying to dry it out, or smother it with various creams and potions that had buddha knows what in them.
I went from clear tight dry skin to oily clear skin, to dry broken out skin, to combination skin, back and forth and finally a friend of mine who was a dermatologist said "You should not use anything on your face that you can't pronounce and you shouldn't wash your face more than once a day unless your wearing makeup"
It seemed so simple right? Have you ever actually looked at the back of skin care labels?
Poly or Oxy or Micro. or cellu?
Right so here is what I "wash" my face with.
After jumping into the shower I rub a mixture of castor oil, jojoba oil, olive oil, and vitamin e oil (about a tablespoon) on my wet face and massage it into my skin for a full minute
Then I soap up my armpit, nether's, and ears and rinse, then carefully I wash my hands, then I use my organic glycerin and olive oil facial bar and swipe my wet hand across it barely getting any soap. I suds up my hands and swipe my cheeks once rinse my hands of suds and then gentle spread the remaining suds across my face not rubbing.
then I rinse gentle and get out of the shower. I immediately without toweling off use OYIN burnt sugar Pomade or Whipped pudding on my eczema spot on my face to moisturize them and my body oil on my arms legs and torso, then I dry off.
Since I have started this I have only had breakouts during my menstrual period.
Nothing works all the time for everyone, but its something to thing about for someone who is addicted to store bought sudzing over the counter face and body washes.
KJ
Nice right? So going through adolescence I tortured my skin trying to dry it out, or smother it with various creams and potions that had buddha knows what in them.
I went from clear tight dry skin to oily clear skin, to dry broken out skin, to combination skin, back and forth and finally a friend of mine who was a dermatologist said "You should not use anything on your face that you can't pronounce and you shouldn't wash your face more than once a day unless your wearing makeup"
It seemed so simple right? Have you ever actually looked at the back of skin care labels?
Poly or Oxy or Micro. or cellu?
Right so here is what I "wash" my face with.
After jumping into the shower I rub a mixture of castor oil, jojoba oil, olive oil, and vitamin e oil (about a tablespoon) on my wet face and massage it into my skin for a full minute
Then I soap up my armpit, nether's, and ears and rinse, then carefully I wash my hands, then I use my organic glycerin and olive oil facial bar and swipe my wet hand across it barely getting any soap. I suds up my hands and swipe my cheeks once rinse my hands of suds and then gentle spread the remaining suds across my face not rubbing.
then I rinse gentle and get out of the shower. I immediately without toweling off use OYIN burnt sugar Pomade or Whipped pudding on my eczema spot on my face to moisturize them and my body oil on my arms legs and torso, then I dry off.
Since I have started this I have only had breakouts during my menstrual period.
Nothing works all the time for everyone, but its something to thing about for someone who is addicted to store bought sudzing over the counter face and body washes.
KJ
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Hair rasing facts and opinions
I actually shock some friends about a few facts with my hair.
1. I only wash it once a week.
2. It is down to my waist
3. Of my long haired friends my hair is the SHORTEST
4. I deep condition my hair with catnip tea
5. I color my hair with henna once a month
Some interested articles I have found about shampoo as well:
When It Comes To Shampoo, Less Is More
by Allison Aubrey
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102062969
How to Shampoo the Hair- a 1908 article
http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=2&res=9904E5DA143EE233A25753C1A9639C946997D6CF
1. I only wash it once a week.
2. It is down to my waist
3. Of my long haired friends my hair is the SHORTEST
4. I deep condition my hair with catnip tea
5. I color my hair with henna once a month
Some interested articles I have found about shampoo as well:
When It Comes To Shampoo, Less Is More
by Allison Aubrey
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102062969
How to Shampoo the Hair- a 1908 article
http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=2&res=9904E5DA143EE233A25753C1A9639C946997D6CF
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
What dog are you?
Dog type: You are a Pomeranian
You're talkative, annoying, and hard-headed, yet your energy and attractiveness seem to get you friends, you are loyal to a fault, have a long fuse but are destructive when angry.
What?! a POMERANIAN?! They are like gerbils on crack?!
Man...I would have said Bulldog, or Huskie, or, Aikida... or Shar-pei.
not Pomeranian.
Man. That test sucks. I'm a cat.
You're talkative, annoying, and hard-headed, yet your energy and attractiveness seem to get you friends, you are loyal to a fault, have a long fuse but are destructive when angry.
What?! a POMERANIAN?! They are like gerbils on crack?!
Man...I would have said Bulldog, or Huskie, or, Aikida... or Shar-pei.
not Pomeranian.
Man. That test sucks. I'm a cat.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
OK! Passing on Love!
The LOVE Boat!!!!
So here be it:
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done in the next 12 months.
- You have no clue what it's going to be.
- I reserve the right to do something unusual.
The catch? You have to put this in your blog as well. Pass on the love!
So here be it:
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done in the next 12 months.
- You have no clue what it's going to be.
- I reserve the right to do something unusual.
The catch? You have to put this in your blog as well. Pass on the love!
My Sister in Law Black Balled me
I am trying to get over it. Really trying to. But the bitch black balled me.
My Fiance warned me that she was a supremely manipulative bitchy lying mountains out of molehills sell you down the river at the first chance type person but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
So at the respite site I work relief at a kid tried to choke me and I kinda lost it on him and was a little stern with him, another staff told our supervisor I was a little strict and I should be told to lighten up.
I told her I agreed and my boss sad she was glad we talked and that she didn't think we would have any more problems. My boss then asked my sister in law is my supervisor to give me support to which my sister in law responded with tales of me being strict with her kids, telling my boss that the kids don't like me, telling my boss that the parents don't like me, telling my boss that I put the kids down (which is completely not true SHE puts the kids down and I called her on it on NUMEROUS occasions AND she calls one of the kids a flamer because he acts a little effeminate)
One of the kids hates her so much and hates the other kids so much he begs his mom to please let him not come there because my sister in law was letting the older girls tease and berate him mercilessly until I put an end to it. When I called her on it she said he bugs her and he needed to understand that you can't act like that and be considered "normal" then she black balled me to my boss.
So yeah I was firm with the kids who were being bullies. Because they were MEAN to the little kids and they were REALLY rude and disrespectful to the little kids and to me, AND the their peers and to the teachers in the halls. More than once two kids their left for home in tears because of their teasing and my sister in law shrugged and said "They need tougher skin"
She even told my boss that she thinks I should go work at Roberts but made it sound like it was my bosses idea when I know damn well it was hers. Whatever, Karma has a way of evening things out and I liked working at Roberts better anyways.
Things have a way of working out and you reap what you sow, it still just blows my mind that anyone could be that much of a evil cow.
And she wonders why she has so few friends and no long term relationships?
Bad Day:
My Fiance warned me that she was a supremely manipulative bitchy lying mountains out of molehills sell you down the river at the first chance type person but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
So at the respite site I work relief at a kid tried to choke me and I kinda lost it on him and was a little stern with him, another staff told our supervisor I was a little strict and I should be told to lighten up.
I told her I agreed and my boss sad she was glad we talked and that she didn't think we would have any more problems. My boss then asked my sister in law is my supervisor to give me support to which my sister in law responded with tales of me being strict with her kids, telling my boss that the kids don't like me, telling my boss that the parents don't like me, telling my boss that I put the kids down (which is completely not true SHE puts the kids down and I called her on it on NUMEROUS occasions AND she calls one of the kids a flamer because he acts a little effeminate)
One of the kids hates her so much and hates the other kids so much he begs his mom to please let him not come there because my sister in law was letting the older girls tease and berate him mercilessly until I put an end to it. When I called her on it she said he bugs her and he needed to understand that you can't act like that and be considered "normal" then she black balled me to my boss.
So yeah I was firm with the kids who were being bullies. Because they were MEAN to the little kids and they were REALLY rude and disrespectful to the little kids and to me, AND the their peers and to the teachers in the halls. More than once two kids their left for home in tears because of their teasing and my sister in law shrugged and said "They need tougher skin"
She even told my boss that she thinks I should go work at Roberts but made it sound like it was my bosses idea when I know damn well it was hers. Whatever, Karma has a way of evening things out and I liked working at Roberts better anyways.
Things have a way of working out and you reap what you sow, it still just blows my mind that anyone could be that much of a evil cow.
And she wonders why she has so few friends and no long term relationships?
Bad Day:
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Happy Anniversary to me
I have righted a wrong done to me on my anniversary.
I got zip, zero, NADA, nothing special on my anniversary. No backrubs, no coffee on bed, no "Happy Anniversary hunny" no present, NOTHING.
So I took some savings and bought myself two sets of silicone plugs.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
Now I am off to read my book and have the last brownie.
Suck it Crash.
KJ
I got zip, zero, NADA, nothing special on my anniversary. No backrubs, no coffee on bed, no "Happy Anniversary hunny" no present, NOTHING.
So I took some savings and bought myself two sets of silicone plugs.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
Now I am off to read my book and have the last brownie.
Suck it Crash.
KJ
Friday, February 06, 2009
Daibeetus
Is it just me or does my dog resemble Wilferd Brimley the Quaker Oats Man?
"Test your blood sugar, I have Diabeetus"
Serious jowls. He's getting chubby too
KJ
"Test your blood sugar, I have Diabeetus"
Serious jowls. He's getting chubby too
KJ
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
1AM-True Blood and Teddy Pendergrass
I think the one thing I can thank my parents for is introducing me to Jazz. Through my ongoing musical education in my childhood I easily name Teddy Pendergrass, Luther Vandross, and Chaka Khan as three of my favorite singer.
The fact that at 2 I was squeaking "Hey thats Lena Horne!" When she was the good witch in The Wiz and can guiltily say I have original Jackson 5 Albums on Vinyl...
Yes I had an early lesson on Jazz, Motown, and Blues. So it comes to little surprise that when I have to meditate to get my mind off my pain its not Tibetan monks or whale song that I put in my music player but Teddy Pendergrass "Love TKO"
I've also been watching episodes of True Blood Season 1. DAMN. Talk about Vmpire Pee-oh-rn!
In the famous words of Lafayette "Child, make me clutch my pearls!"
And no, I am not buying seasons and seasons of online shows. Thanks to Crash the computer guru I found I can search for Torrents and downlad just about anything I want to watch on http://scrapetorrent.com/
We are loving it so much we donated money and have a e-mail relationship with the mod.
Crash and I are constantly seeding things and uploading movies we get to the site.
I've even traded some music with the guy in the form of "mixtapes" trying to get him into Old Skool Hip hip and political rap like Dead Prez.
He laughed when he saw my picture saying the only part of me that looked black was my ass.
nice.
So, go on youtube listen to some teddy, Chaka, or Luther, hell try Lena Horne! And if you want to get some videos but like me are short on cash (Thanks Bush!) Try uTorrent and Scrapetorrent.
Tell them KJ and Crash sent ya!
The fact that at 2 I was squeaking "Hey thats Lena Horne!" When she was the good witch in The Wiz and can guiltily say I have original Jackson 5 Albums on Vinyl...
Yes I had an early lesson on Jazz, Motown, and Blues. So it comes to little surprise that when I have to meditate to get my mind off my pain its not Tibetan monks or whale song that I put in my music player but Teddy Pendergrass "Love TKO"
I've also been watching episodes of True Blood Season 1. DAMN. Talk about Vmpire Pee-oh-rn!
In the famous words of Lafayette "Child, make me clutch my pearls!"
And no, I am not buying seasons and seasons of online shows. Thanks to Crash the computer guru I found I can search for Torrents and downlad just about anything I want to watch on http://scrapetorrent.com/
We are loving it so much we donated money and have a e-mail relationship with the mod.
Crash and I are constantly seeding things and uploading movies we get to the site.
I've even traded some music with the guy in the form of "mixtapes" trying to get him into Old Skool Hip hip and political rap like Dead Prez.
He laughed when he saw my picture saying the only part of me that looked black was my ass.
nice.
So, go on youtube listen to some teddy, Chaka, or Luther, hell try Lena Horne! And if you want to get some videos but like me are short on cash (Thanks Bush!) Try uTorrent and Scrapetorrent.
Tell them KJ and Crash sent ya!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Had us all howling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibhATPgzDXc
This had my dog howling and trying to sit in my lap.
Consequently had Crash and I laughing our fool butts off.
KJ
This had my dog howling and trying to sit in my lap.
Consequently had Crash and I laughing our fool butts off.
KJ
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
again with the insomnia.
because of pain in my neck and back I was up until 5AM.
And tomorrow I am supposed to work.
I am going to work and thats about it.
Seriously. Pain like this drives me insane.
KJ
And tomorrow I am supposed to work.
I am going to work and thats about it.
Seriously. Pain like this drives me insane.
KJ
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Jim Butcher is a god.
I remember seeing a softcover book by Jim Butcher in the "Book Recycle" pile in my crappy office during my three year stint with Americorp.
As often I had loads of free time on my hands and staring at the computer made my eyes hurt I had finished my book and had hours to kill before my shift ended.
I absently picked up the book "The dresden files" by Jim Butcher.
It has been almost four years and I have read every Dresden book I could get, Then The "Codex Alera" series and watched pirated copies of the "Dresden Files" that SciFi channel was stupid enough to discontinue.
Let me being by saying even I get bored by authors, skip paragraphs, stop reading a book. Hell Even Piers Anthony has some books that I just had to stop reading because I was so bored.
There are a handful of authors who hold my attention so soundly that I own everything they write. Ann McCaffrey, Issac Asimov (especially anything with Norby the mixed up Robot)Mercedes Lackey, Spider Robinson, and Jim Butcher.
It is a difficult place to get to, my high horse list of "F*^&ing awesome writers" but Jim Butcher is one of those writers who I will recommend to each and everyone of my reader friends.
As it is I have made several friends of mine in to "Butcher Brigands" They too own every book he has written and have 2nd copies to lend out as "loaners"
I've no doubt that Jim Butcher will never know how much I love his writing. I'm sure the royalties alone assure him of his deep fan base. But to those of you not yet in the know, even if you don't like Sci-fi, or Fantasy, or war. If you are simply a fan of great authors; get yourself to a bookstore and read Jim Butcher.
And if he ever asks, tell him KJ sent you.
KJ
As often I had loads of free time on my hands and staring at the computer made my eyes hurt I had finished my book and had hours to kill before my shift ended.
I absently picked up the book "The dresden files" by Jim Butcher.
It has been almost four years and I have read every Dresden book I could get, Then The "Codex Alera" series and watched pirated copies of the "Dresden Files" that SciFi channel was stupid enough to discontinue.
Let me being by saying even I get bored by authors, skip paragraphs, stop reading a book. Hell Even Piers Anthony has some books that I just had to stop reading because I was so bored.
There are a handful of authors who hold my attention so soundly that I own everything they write. Ann McCaffrey, Issac Asimov (especially anything with Norby the mixed up Robot)Mercedes Lackey, Spider Robinson, and Jim Butcher.
It is a difficult place to get to, my high horse list of "F*^&ing awesome writers" but Jim Butcher is one of those writers who I will recommend to each and everyone of my reader friends.
As it is I have made several friends of mine in to "Butcher Brigands" They too own every book he has written and have 2nd copies to lend out as "loaners"
I've no doubt that Jim Butcher will never know how much I love his writing. I'm sure the royalties alone assure him of his deep fan base. But to those of you not yet in the know, even if you don't like Sci-fi, or Fantasy, or war. If you are simply a fan of great authors; get yourself to a bookstore and read Jim Butcher.
And if he ever asks, tell him KJ sent you.
KJ
Monday, January 05, 2009
My new chocolate...
Burn Notice, the USA Show on HULU.com
It is the best spy show I have watched in a long time. It is realistic enough and not too over the top. Makes having spies believable. The actors in it are quality and draw you in without being overactive.
The polt is new each week and is reminiscent of Macgyver it is a new series that I hope unlike the "Dresden Files" will catch on and stay here for a while.
KJ
It is the best spy show I have watched in a long time. It is realistic enough and not too over the top. Makes having spies believable. The actors in it are quality and draw you in without being overactive.
The polt is new each week and is reminiscent of Macgyver it is a new series that I hope unlike the "Dresden Files" will catch on and stay here for a while.
KJ
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The grey space between good and evil
It is 3:30 AM and I am again struck with insomnia. Things worry me, the same things as most times I have insomnia; Money, The dog, and my weight.
As someone who suffers from chronic pain and the natural depression that rides along in its coat tales, this is not a recent occurrence. But these episodes seem to come along more frequently since I have been sick and jobless.
Add in a dog with serious fear aggression and it spells for a recipe chock full of sleepless nights. Many people tell me "Did you think that maybe there is nothing else you can do and its time to put the dog down?"
And in my evil thoughts, I considered it. I thought as scared as this dog is, does it take away from the happiness he has with us? Is this a completely hopeless situation? Trainers tell me no, and so does my gut, but the rational mind is not so easily appeased.
The thing that keeps me working with him is the same thing that keeps me working on me. Its not entirely his fault he is so scared. He was not always that way. He used to LOVE all children, was curious about other people and dogs, and was happy to meet new people. Then on a happy fall walk he was attacked by a pitbull. After that he was never the same.
In some ways I can relate. When Syringomyelia an its host of painful friends decided to change my life drastically I was not expecting it. After months of having to walk with a cane, hundreds of falls on walks home, and days calling in because of chronic pain and fatigue I was feeling pretty beaten and fearful myself.
It cost me my work, my livelihood, and my figure that I had worked so hard to keep in shape.
The last doctors visit I was told my weight and I went out to my car and cried for an hour.
It seemed like the final straw. What more could this disease take from me?
Stubborn by nature I have fought this disease and continue to fight it everyday. But tonight especially I have moments of feeling overwhelmed thinking "What if despite my best efforts I can't win?" Most of all I worry about my family, my friends, and my animals.
So this holiday I felt like I had no right to expect anything from anyone. In fact I entered the holiday hating the season. I hated the music, and the lights, and the constant talk about parties and presents. I wanted to be home, by myself trying to figure a way to be able to give everyone what they wanted while hating having to do so.
I was pretty much in this funk until waiting for a ride from my sister. I had tried to get some lunch and found I didn't have enough in my wallet. Sorely embarressed I went outside to wait in the cold for my ride with tears of shame in my eyes.
Then a person out of the blue came up to me. She had bought me lunch. She said she had seen me on TV with my animal welfare work and just wanted to say "Happy Holidays" I was so humbled by this random act of kindness, I cried again.
It was then that I decided maybe things were going to work out and maybe I had this whole holidays idea mixed up.
I called in a favor from a trainer friend of mine and had Kane evaluated. The trainer thinks that Kane while never being fully non fearful, can be trained to trust us to do his defending for him. Then agreed to work with me for a very low price. I have been working with him everyday, along with Crash my fiance and not only is he improving, but its brought us closer as a family.
I am amazed at how much better he is. We even had guests over and he lay down in his room and stopped barking after a minute. He was still terrified but understood the rules and that we would not let anything bad happen to him.
Today my nephew said while we wrapped presents "I'm glad your happy about presents and parties now!" I'd been with him shopping for presents with money my fiance had lovingly set aside for me to purchase them with. When I protested saying I hadn't earned any money, I had no right to buy presents he'd said "You have covered for me so many times, this is our money and I think we've both earned it."
I still worry about my weight but I am now walking my dog everyday and am still doing my pilates and yoga. I am learning to be happy with what I am capable of, instead of being sullen over my inabilities.
So in the future maybe I will be poorer, maybe Kane won't ever be a perfect dog, maybe I will be heavier, but as long as I am doing more for the good in the world, I will try not to lie awake at night in fear of any evil tripping me up.
My wish for everyone is a holiday full of the spirit of the season, friends, giving, and being thankful for the good in our lives.
As someone who suffers from chronic pain and the natural depression that rides along in its coat tales, this is not a recent occurrence. But these episodes seem to come along more frequently since I have been sick and jobless.
Add in a dog with serious fear aggression and it spells for a recipe chock full of sleepless nights. Many people tell me "Did you think that maybe there is nothing else you can do and its time to put the dog down?"
And in my evil thoughts, I considered it. I thought as scared as this dog is, does it take away from the happiness he has with us? Is this a completely hopeless situation? Trainers tell me no, and so does my gut, but the rational mind is not so easily appeased.
The thing that keeps me working with him is the same thing that keeps me working on me. Its not entirely his fault he is so scared. He was not always that way. He used to LOVE all children, was curious about other people and dogs, and was happy to meet new people. Then on a happy fall walk he was attacked by a pitbull. After that he was never the same.
In some ways I can relate. When Syringomyelia an its host of painful friends decided to change my life drastically I was not expecting it. After months of having to walk with a cane, hundreds of falls on walks home, and days calling in because of chronic pain and fatigue I was feeling pretty beaten and fearful myself.
It cost me my work, my livelihood, and my figure that I had worked so hard to keep in shape.
The last doctors visit I was told my weight and I went out to my car and cried for an hour.
It seemed like the final straw. What more could this disease take from me?
Stubborn by nature I have fought this disease and continue to fight it everyday. But tonight especially I have moments of feeling overwhelmed thinking "What if despite my best efforts I can't win?" Most of all I worry about my family, my friends, and my animals.
So this holiday I felt like I had no right to expect anything from anyone. In fact I entered the holiday hating the season. I hated the music, and the lights, and the constant talk about parties and presents. I wanted to be home, by myself trying to figure a way to be able to give everyone what they wanted while hating having to do so.
I was pretty much in this funk until waiting for a ride from my sister. I had tried to get some lunch and found I didn't have enough in my wallet. Sorely embarressed I went outside to wait in the cold for my ride with tears of shame in my eyes.
Then a person out of the blue came up to me. She had bought me lunch. She said she had seen me on TV with my animal welfare work and just wanted to say "Happy Holidays" I was so humbled by this random act of kindness, I cried again.
It was then that I decided maybe things were going to work out and maybe I had this whole holidays idea mixed up.
I called in a favor from a trainer friend of mine and had Kane evaluated. The trainer thinks that Kane while never being fully non fearful, can be trained to trust us to do his defending for him. Then agreed to work with me for a very low price. I have been working with him everyday, along with Crash my fiance and not only is he improving, but its brought us closer as a family.
I am amazed at how much better he is. We even had guests over and he lay down in his room and stopped barking after a minute. He was still terrified but understood the rules and that we would not let anything bad happen to him.
Today my nephew said while we wrapped presents "I'm glad your happy about presents and parties now!" I'd been with him shopping for presents with money my fiance had lovingly set aside for me to purchase them with. When I protested saying I hadn't earned any money, I had no right to buy presents he'd said "You have covered for me so many times, this is our money and I think we've both earned it."
I still worry about my weight but I am now walking my dog everyday and am still doing my pilates and yoga. I am learning to be happy with what I am capable of, instead of being sullen over my inabilities.
So in the future maybe I will be poorer, maybe Kane won't ever be a perfect dog, maybe I will be heavier, but as long as I am doing more for the good in the world, I will try not to lie awake at night in fear of any evil tripping me up.
My wish for everyone is a holiday full of the spirit of the season, friends, giving, and being thankful for the good in our lives.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Who the hell is Cthulu?
This is only funny because I have ZERO clue as to who Cthulu is, but apparently I am an angry, set things on fire,kind of gal...but I seem so sweet...
KJ
KJ
| Which creature of the night are you? Your Result: Cthulu Spawn You are really an alien thing, aren't you? I can't describe you because you are beyond. We say "left field" and you say "Krn Grth Thchrang." You are the wild card of the bunch, the unknown quantity | |
| Sorceror | |
| Demon | |
| Ghost | |
| Werewolf | |
| Incubus/Succubus | |
| Vampire | |
| Which creature of the night are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
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