Idiot in the AM

So after getting up early, wading thru insurance, disability, doctors, and bills I managed to clean two giant drawers, purge expired meds, food, and makeup and get a load of laundry done.  So no surprise it's 2 am and my back and legs are a cramping aching ball of misery.

Cue a hot shower and me giving my hair the middle finger, I swear I a going to shave my head.  I go to take a drink with my handful of ibuprophen and seltzer EXPLODES in the bathroom. I am soaked, floor is soaked. 

My cramping, thirsty over tired ass is ready to punch a wall.

There is a lesson kids, even adults need supervision.

Thoughts at night

Only at 1:30 am does my brain get flooded with thoughts.

My doc note expires in a few days.

I can't go back to work until I can handle 25 to 30 hours a week.  But normally it will be more.  I know I can't do that yet. My job is not sitting. It's working out with adults, taking them to jobs sites and helping them do their jobs.

I barely manage to do needed daily stuff here, get the mail and shower.

I think I am going to have to take until next month to get my back fully healed. I can't reinjure on the job and I can't afford to loose my benefits...so close to work insurance...so...close...

All this has me anxious and scared.  Not wanting to baby this but also not wanting to push and mess myself up worse.

I'll call doctors tomorrow and get new appointments after I argue with insurance because they don't want to pay for specialists.

Insurance is for the rich

I just got another bill.  So my mandatory insurance took my entire tax return even though they forgot to give me a tax premium...somehow nys changed the rules and they charged me 700 dollars on top of the 300 a month for insurance that was accepted no where, and who covered nothing.

Then I got MVP and paid 500 a month.  For this I didn't receive a insurance card for 3 months. Had an emergency ER visit, a epidural inw hoection both denied because they were not "emergent"

So I can't walk, am desperate to get back to work, and have gone to the ER twice for pain that had my heart hammering like a marathon runner.

This insurance in America is set to kill off or keep disabled people in pain, create addicts that kill themselves trying to ease their pain.

insurance makes out like bandits, doctors make out like bandits and the disabled person wants towork, wants to pay their way, wants a nor all life is treated like a sponge to be milked until they give up.

This is why I am voting for a old white dude.  We need to treat each other as equals. We need to care for each other. We need to all feel like we are worthy productive members of society not pawns to move around just to make a buck.

High chronic

I'm awake at 4 am after being unable to sleep because my body was being a dick.  So I got up and decided a hot bath, good book and classical music would help.

I lay there with the scent of sea salt, pine and sage feeling the calendula oil softening my skin.  I was reading about tiny houses and a lady with congestive heart failure.  And I stared at my own hello kitty wrapped heart monitor that was buzzing endlessly alerting me that my heart was beating too fast for my body not to be moving.

I  ignored it because it along with every nurse that takes my vitals has alerted me my resting pulse is too high.  Then fell asleep.

I woke up to Beetovens 5th and a buzzy  on it or which I angrily chucked into a corner.

I drained the tub as the last of music faded and stood up.

Suddenly I was really hot and a mariachi band had taken residence in my chest and the guys were lit.

I slowly sank to the edge of the tub leaning my forehead against the cool ceramic.

"This isnt good for the engine! Its so hot you need to slow down" I reasoned with my heart.

I tried to stand and it promptly gave me the finger and I sank bare assed asked back to the edge of the tub.

I sat there, sucking air, fanning my face. wondering why we didn't have a fan...it's so hot...there should be fans in the bathroom.  I tried to fan myself again but more moving was not helping.

Not knowing get what else to do I said to  my geriatric who was watching impassive to my plight "Get help...we need an adult"

She stared dumbly and I tried to regroup.  I saw my heart rate monitor...mocking me...answer remember thinking "I promise I will keep you on if you don't let me die naked in my bathroom eaten by an old cat" 

Strapped on my monitor, no change.  But then suddenly I thought  "I have to put on clothes if I am going to die on the toilet" then slapped my ha do against the wall.

And then I slapped on the fan.  As the air cooled the sweat beaded on my back is could finally breathe. 

Slowly taking even breathes I put on my shirt, panted and fanned myself.  Then pants.   I must have sat in the bathroom for another 15 minutes, my heart monitor refused to stop buzzing but I stopped sweating.

Then stumbled to the fridge and CHUGGED a cold bottle of seltzer all the time internally chanting "Your heart has to slow down" as my monitor buzzed merrily on my wrist.

I was able to get to my bed and lie next to my cool mist humidifier  and finally felt my heart slow down ( postural tachycardia thy ass is grass!)

Safety lying in bed, monitor silent, wasps only a mild stinging down my back and legs. My bulldogs paws wrapped around me while he snored into my ear just like his dad making me laugh.

I'm documenting the fact that I found humor in what is a mild but daily issues of being chronically ill.  And I hope you can laugh too.  As I sit here listening to two male mammals making snores like cartoon characters, I think if I string enough stuff like this out I will be OK.