Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Awkward moments in pet parenting.

So many people know I have 4 cats and a dog.  No kids (thank goodness) because my pets are all crazy enough that adding kids MAY have driven me insane by now.

So we have "special" pets.  For as good as they are I have had to have many awkward pet moments with vets, bosses, and neighbors.

SO I thought I would make a list of some of the best//worst moments in pet history:

Kayne Michael Armstrong

 This lovable rope-a-dope dog.
Loves squeaky soft animal skins (aka stuffed animals with stuffing removed and stuffed with squeakers or plastic bottles)

Kayne hates having his nails clipped, so I have to buy acrylic nail files and file his claws down once a week, during which he routinely falls asleep.

Kayne is allergic to grass, wheat, soy, corn, dairy, pollen, cedar, plastic, rubber, nickel, and most laundry detergents.

Kayne enjoys eating cat litter covered poopies from the pan when he is angry at us.

Kayne loves kittens and has brought home 13 to date, I only let him keep 2.

Kayne has to be sedated during thunder storms or he turns into the hulk and breaks shit.

Kayne has to have special lotion applied to his pads every night, he enjoys the taste.

Kayne eats lip balm, and will wait until you are asleep and try to lick it off your lips.

Kayne once scared a burgler away from a neighbors house when we were walking past.  He almost pulled away from me and the man who was trying to open a window got scared and ran off.  The neighbor bought him a pound of bacon

Kayne got so scared during a severe thunderstorm he pushed open our front door to the deck, let himself out, locked himself outside, and climbed onto the roof where he sat howling, crying and barking until the cops came and called animal control.  LUCKILY they know me, called my cell phone and said "Joy, your dog is stuck on the roof in a thunderstorm..."  My boss was nice enough to let me go home to take care of him.

Kayne and I saw a coyote once, Kayne ran behind me and tried to run away and leave me there.  I like to think if I was eaten he would have told someone.

Ani Louise

Ani Louise is "special"

Ani is about 13 now.  we found her outside a house where a 13 year old punk kid was spraying raid under a house trying to get her to come out and stop meowing.

I admit said kid had the literally piss scared from him when I had two sheriff deputies come and detain him for "severe animal cruelty"  They let him go saying they were going to be driving by his house every day for a month, then they did.  Its good to have big scary bald sheriffs who love animals as friends.

Ani can't see out of the sides of her eyes, so often she sort of Stevie Wonders her head looking for toys and listening for us.

Ani loved Kayne's dog collars.  She licks them, sleeps on them. rolls on them, seeks them out, but does NOT like the dog, just how his collars smell.

Ani likes licking lotion off your hands and feet while you are trying to sleep.  She and Kayne share a love of lip balm.

Ani gets stuck in the carpet and cries until he relaxes enough for her claws to retract, or one of us goes and picks her up.

Ani stands in the litter pan and poops over the side

Ani will cover up food after the other cats have eaten from the bowl like its poop.  This offends the other cats.

Ani LOVES fresh water, she still jumps in the tub to drink shower water, the sink to drink the drips and drinks out of unguarded glasses of water.

Jayne River Armstrong

Jayne came to us with 5 kittens (before we got Kayne so we can't blame him for all the cats)  She is best friends with Kayne, follows him around, eats out of his bowl, grooms him and sleeps next to him whenever she can.

Jayne refuses to stand on the floor to eat instead demanding her food be up on the table.

Jayne will not eat after Dodger or Klaude taste her food.

Jayne will scream for HOURS if she is unhappy.  Single cat poops in a cat box, warm water, "tainted" cat kibble, a purse on her table, all of these things cause her to scream until the situation is corrected.

Jayne had made herself an "apartment" in the bottom cupboards in the kitchen.  She will push out anything that encroaches her "apartment" including bags of food, crockpots, and other things that don't belong in her space.

Jayne once cost 300 dollars because bit her own cheek and was drooling for a month.  300 dollars later we found out she had gotten scratched by her own claw and got an infection in her cheek.  She had to wear baby bibs for  month and a half.

Klaude Wesley

Klaude has FIV.  He enjoys staring down the dog, biting his brother Dodger on the testicle pouch (he is neutered) and swatting me in the face in the morning until I wake up and pet him.

Klaude requires twice a day grooming with a wet one, a brush and q-tips. He waits until I am sitting in the bathroom then comes in, lies down and lays back to think of Jesus until its over.

Klaude can't meow so instead he sort of bark/growls.

Klaude ONLY plays with toys at midnight, they must be loud, heavy and preferably filled with bells.

Klaude will not let me cut his toeails, so we have to do one at a time per day, he sounds like a tap dancer most days.

Last but certainly not least is Dodger.

I had a hard time trying to find a picture of Dodger that didn't include Kayne.  He and Kayne sleep together, play together, go outside on their leashes together...Kayne brougt Dodger home from a walk and let him in to our house.

I catch Dodger trying to ride Kayne like a horse, lick Kayne like a cat, and play with Kayne.

Dodger can't meow either (Klaudes his dad) so he has a very high pitched squeak that sounds like a kitten.

Dodger enjoys ambushing the dog by running around corners and popping out at him.

He enjoys lying in any collection of dirt, dust, or detritus he can find and rolling like a dust mop.

Dodger enjoys sleeping like the dead, arms flailed, mouth open, paws akimbo.

He also enjoys harassing the other cats, and has forced us to make him wear a small brass bell so we know where he is at all times.

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